Freeze My Love I: Dream
by joudama
Summary: CCS/X - Nemuri ga kureta yume wa omoide wo tsutsumu - The dreams that sleep gave me envelop my thoughts. It's 1999, and the CCS happy ending is beginning to unravel.
1. Prologue: Sakura no Ki no Shita e

* * *

_Freeze My Love Prologue:  
__Sakura no Ki no Shita e - I_

* * *

_            The little girl was obviously lost.   
__            "'Nii-chan? Nii-chan?" the seven-year-old sniffled. "Tou-chan?"  She looked around again, her lower lip trembling. She looked up and saw the tree in front of her, sakura petals flying around her in a wind; making her shiver even though he knew that she didn't know why.  
__            But he knew.  
__            And then it was too much, and the girl burst into tears. He smiled to himself, knowing her thoughts--she was lost, it was getting dark, and the tree was *scary*. And she wanted her Tou-chan and her Nii-chan.  
__            So she stood in the rain of sakura petals, trying not to let any of them touch her, and crying miserably.  
__            It was time to make an entrance.   
__            "Excuse me."   
__            The little girl looked up, and Sakurazuka Seishirou knelt in front of her, drying her tears. "Are you lost?"  
__            She nodded, trying to stop her tears, eyes wide at the one milky eye of the man kneeling in front of her. "Y-yes. I can't find my 'Nii-chan or my Tou-chan."  
__            He smiled, noticing that her eyes were a very clear green. "My name is Seishirou. What's yours?"  
__            The girl sniffled. "Sa-Sa-Sa-Sakura."   
__            A strange look glittered in the man's eye, and the little girl shrank back suddenly.  
__            "That's a pretty name. One of my favorites." And the Sakurazukamori smiled at the little green-eyed girl.  
__            "I..I...hooe..." she said, shrinking more, eyes wide. And to the little girl, he knew, something had suddenly gone very, very wrong. He knew that she wanted to run, but couldn't. He knew that she could only watch with large green eyes as he raised his hand. And he knew that...  
__            "Sakura! Sakura, you little monster! We were worried sick!"   
__            The loud voice startled the girl out of her paralysis, and the Sakurazukamori withdrew just slightly.  
__            "N-Nii-chan!"   
__            A boy--perhaps Sakura's brother?--ran up to them, his face pale.   
__            Yes. Her brother.   
__            The boy's eyes flicked from the sakura to the Sakurazukamori to Sakura quickly, and the Sakurazukamori watched with some slight interest as a momentary look of panic passed over the boy's young face before settling almost instantly into a relaxed, slightly irritated face--a face he was able to put on only because of the frightened little girl with such green eyes. Only when that face was firmly in place did the boy turn to his little sister.  
__            And being careful, the Sakurazukamori noted, to not completely turn his back on *him*.   
__            That made him smile again.  
__            "Sakura! Why did you run off? You need to stay near us!"   
__            Sakura's brother turned completely to face him. The mask slipped for an instant on the boy's face as he registered an impression of what the Sakurazukamori was, and where he had to be. Then the boy remembered his sister, and the mask reappeared.  
__            Hmm...  
__            The boy bowed, his eyes locked with the Sakurazukamori's, and he wondered if the boy knew that if he took his eyes away, both he and his little sister would never leave the sakura tree. "Thank you for finding my sister," the boy said, hand tight on his sister's, halfway hiding her behind him. "Our father is waiting for us, so we should go now."  
__            The little girl peeped from around her brother, green eyes still wide and never leaving the man standing in the cherry petals.  
__            Yes. The boy knew. So...  
__            Seishirou smiled and reached around the boy slightly to pat Sakura on the head. "Take care of your little sister, Kinomoto-kun."  
__            "How did you know my...?" the boy started.  
__            But the man was gone, and the only answer was the sound of the sakura petals in the wind._

* * *


	2. Chapter 1 Kono Inochi no Yume no Naka n...

Chapter One:   
Kono inochi no yume no naka ni - I 

_Utsukushii mama de_ Beautiful just like this. 

-Glay, "Freeze My Love" 

***   
She dreamed:   
_ The moon was full, haloed by ice refracting the pale, brittle light; obscured by barren trees frozen over with ice. Small shards of ice fell from the windless, frigid sky; cutting her when she breathed in too quickly and catching in her eyelashes when she blinked. Her breath hung frozen in the air and she shivered, barefoot on the frozen ground, and wrapped her arms around herself.   
Far in the distance, she could see two men, one in white and one in grey, talking as they stood on a frozen lake. She squinted, recognizing one of them even from the distance.   
"Yue?" she said, frowning. She started at the other man, trying to place him, but his back was to her. All she could see was that his hair was black and there was a faint, almost invisible flare for a moment from the back of his hands.   
She looked at the black sky and realized the moon was gone. _  
*BREEEEEEEP BREEEEEEEEEP BREEEEEEEEEEEEP*   
The world exploded and her eyes flew open.   
*BREEEEEEEP BREEEEEEEEEP BREEEEEEEEEEEEP*   
"Mrweufhjsdfhghh..." Sakura mumbled, and slapped at her alarm clock. She rubbed at her eyes and shut them again, feeling disoriented. She shut her eyes tightly and burrowed back into her blankets, shivering, and fell into a dreamless sleep. 

*** 

"Oi! Sakura!"   
The young woman startled slightly, and the jar she was reaching for slipped out of her hands and landed on the edge of the counter, shattering.   
Sakura winced. _ /~Oops. Greeeee-at...~/ _  
"Yeah?" she said, knowing it was too late, and she was going to be hearing the sound she knew so well--that of her brother laughing at her.   
Touya smirked. "Way to go, monster."   
Sakura's fists tightened. "Touya! I'm thirteen now! Isn't that getting old yet?"   
The smirk widened. "Nope."   
Calm. Mature. She was not going to go over to Touya and kick him in the shin. She was not. She was not. She was...   
"Too slow, Sakura."   
Calm. Mature. She was not going to scream. She was not going to scream. She was not...   
"While you're standing there, the jam you dropped is making a lovely puddle on the floor. Purple on white linoleum's a real statement.   
"Oh, and love the steam coming out of your ears. It works."   
She gave up. "TOU-YAAAAA!" Stop. Breathe. Bre...   
"Oh, To-ya, leave her alone."   
"OK, OK." Touya said, smiling and rolling his eyes good-naturedly at Yukito. Yukito smiled at him gently and went over to Sakura and handed her a towel.   
"Do you need any help with that?"   
Sakura smiled. "No, I'm fine."   
"And you're late," Touya said. "That's what I came to tell you."   
"I'm....hoeee!"   
Yukito smiled. "I'll finish cleaning for you, Sakura-chan."   
"Thanks!" she yelled, running for the door. She shot Touya a dirty look as she ran by him, making sure she stepped on his foot as she did.   
"Eerrmpfhh!"   
Yukito watched her leave with a gentle smile. "You really should be nicer to her," he said to Touya after she was gone.   
"It's too much fun driving her crazy." Touya said, chuckling and flexing his bruised toe.   
"To-ya..." Yukito said reproachfully.   
Touya gave him an innocent smile. "What?"   
***   
Sakura ran out the door, a piece of toast clutched in between her teeth. She sat down and strapped on her rollerblades, still clutching the toast between her teeth and thinking to herself, "oh, no, oh, no, oh no!" as she realized she was going to be late on her first day of the new semester.   
"Hoeee..."   
She jumped up and took off, cramming the dry _/~Thank you *very* much, Touya~/ _toast in her mouth as she did so. OK. Time to go. Time to...   
Her mouth flew open and her eyes grew large, and all thoughts of going to school flew out of her head. Slowly, almost not believing her eyes, she raised her hands to her mouth.   
"Sya-Syaoran-kun!"   
"I was wondering how long it was going to be before you noti---ummmmmph!" he finished as Sakura hurled herself at him. He was knocked back several feet by the projectile that was Kinomoto Sakura. "I missed you, too, Sakura."   
She didn't quite know when she had started crying, but here she was, doing it.   
"Hey, hey, stop that." Li said somewhat gruffly, mainly because he knew if she kept that up, he'd be a walking waterspout himself, and that would just be a *wonderful* way to start his new school.   
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Sakura said after she finally pulled away from him.   
"Um. I. Um. I wanted it to be a surprise." he said, ducking his head slightly and feeling a blush on his cheeks.   
***   
"Surprise my...mrrrrmmrrrppph..." Touya grumbled from the window, scowling.   
"To-ya..."   
"What? Little creep needs to stay away from my baby sis..."   
"To-ya...you don't have a baby sister. Not since she was two."   
Touya turned and glared slightly. "You wouldn't kno..." Touya cut off before he could completely get the word out. "Oh, Yuki. I'm sorry. I...it was just a manner of speech...I..."   
Yukito smiled softly. "It's all right, Touya. I know."   
Touya's shoulders slumped slightly, and he wouldn't look at Yukito. "It's not all right, Yuki. It's not fair."   
Yukito put a hand on Touya's arm. "I didn't say it was fair. I said it was all right. There's a difference. Just let it go. It's all you can do."   
"Thanks, Yuki. Salt on the open wound." he said sharply. Then he sighed. "Sorry. *Sorry.* I'm in rare form today. You'd think I liked the taste of that foot in my mouth."   
"We're going to be late ourselves if we don't leave soon." Yukito said, glancing at the clock. "We have a morning class."   
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Do you want me to make a snack for you to take with you?"   
"No, its all right. I'm not that hungry, for some reason."   
"... Sorry."   
***   
"I told you I'd come back." Li said, still fighting a blush. Sakura was so excited she was skating in circles around him as they walked.   
"I know, but...you should have told me!"   
"Nn." he said, shrugging and thinking to himself that her reaction had been worth it.   
"I can't believe you're actually here....how did you manage it?" she started.   
"They couldn't keep me there." he said. "And also...there's something strange happening in Tokyo, and they wanted someone here. It's been building for a long time. Since I wanted to come here, and they wanted someone to come...here I am." A slight blush touched his face, since he knew he wasn't telling Sakura the *whole* truth--after all, the Li family hadn't exactly wanted to send him, since he was still disgraced over the whole ...thing... (as his family...graciously...referred to it) with the Clow cards. So when he found out they were planning to send someone and knowing he wouldn't stand a chance given the competition right then to get out of Hong Kong, he'd packed a bag, then snuck out in the middle of the night, leaving a note saying he'd be honored to accept the position of the Li family representative, and by the way, he'd be staying in Tokyo this time.   
...Yeah, he'd keep that to himself...   
"Strange in Tokyo?" Sakura said, frowning. Li let out a sigh and shook his head.   
"Can't you feel it, Sakura? There's something happening. I know you must have noticed all the earthquakes."   
Sakura stopped short and her face fell. "Yeah. Yeah. But...yeah." she said, shivering slightly.   
"Hey! Don't get so down!" he said, wishing he'd never brought any of it up. "Whatever that is, we'll worry about it later, OK?"   
Sakura smiled. "OK!" 

*** 

Tomoyo was waiting outside of the school. She saw the two of them, and a strange look crossed her face for a split second before she smiled warmly at him. Sakura didn't seem to notice it, and so Li decided he had been imagining things. "Li-kun!" Tomoyo said in surprise. "You're back!"   
"Yeah." Li said, feeling oddly nervous. He would have dropped Sakura's hand, but she had it in a grip so tight he was surprised his hand hadn't dropped off yet. "I only just got back. I hadn't told anyone I was coming."   
"You wanted to surprise Sakura-chan! How romantic! Sakura-chan, that must have been a nice surprise!"   
Sakura grinned and nodded, clutching Li's hand tighter.   
"Sakura...I'm beginning to lose the feeling in my fingers..."   
"Waah! Sorry!"   
Li blushed. "It's OK. Just...um...could you just loosen your grip a little? I missed you, too."   
"Hoeee! Sorry!" Sakura said, easing her deathgrip on his hand.   
"Thanks." Li said, trying to hide his amusement and failing.   
"What room are you in, Li-kun?"   
"Class B. You?"   
"Same one. So is Sakura-chan."   
Sakura didn't even try to keep the dopey smile off her face. "Everyone's going to be so glad to see you!" Li blushed again.   
"Sakura-chan, Li-kun, we should go inside now, since the bell's going to ring soon and we have to find the classroom. We can all catch up at lunch."   
"Good idea." Li said, nodding. Sakura just grinned again, and dragged Li by the hand to their classroom.   
They walked in to a familiar sound--Yamazaki mid-story.   
"...Did you know there's a human corpse buried under each and every one?"   
"Really? What for?"   
"A very long time ago, a mighty emperor didn't like the color of the blossoms. He declared a fallen warrior should be buried under every single tree. Y'see, the flower petals are really supposed to be as white as snow. But now the petals are always that shade of pale pink, because of the warrior's blood. The trees absorbs it, and it turns the petals...."  
"Oh, you hush." Chiharu said finally, rolling her eyes. "That is *wrong* and you know it. Just stop."  
"But it's tru--Li-kun!" Yamazaki yelled. "You're back!" Li was suddenly surrounded, and only saved when the bell rang. 

***   
Touya looked over at Yuki and sighed to himself. _~It's going to take a brand-new lunchbox to make up for this one...~ _  
Yuki hadn't said anything, of course, but it was obvious to Touya that he was still in a foul mood. _~I really stuck my foot in it this time. Jeez. Way to go, Kinomoto!~ _  
The whole problem was that Yuki hadn't said anything. He wasn't giving Touya the silent treatment, technically. It's just that when they were in classes, Yuki didn't talk to him or send him the hilarious little notes he usually did when Yuki noticed Touya was starting to fall asleep. And after the first morning class, Yuki didn't talk to him other than about the class or about the assignment. He didn't comment on what a pretty day it was, didn't smile his smile and suggest they go get a snack at a dining hall before heading their second morning classes, didn't do *anything* but quietly gather his books then quietly walk next to him.   
Yup. Yuki was pissed at him.   
When they got back home, Yuki had gone straight to the room they had shared since Yukito's grandparents had died and he had moved in, saying he was going to do his homework now. Didn't stop by the kitchen or anything, just went straight to the room. Touya wondered if he should leave well enough alone, then frowned. No. He didn't like Yuki being mad at him for any length of time. Besides, they normally did their homework together, and he really saw no reason not to continue that trend while he wracked his brain trying to figure out what to do.   
When he got there, Yuki barely looked up. Touya winced to himself, then sat down and pulled out his books. He started trying to study, but couldn't concentrate very well.   
_~Gee, I wonder why,~ _he thought sarcastically. He gave up for a little while and looked outside, and suddenly his face brightened. It was an absolutely beautiful day. It was far to nice a day to spend cooped up inside trying to do physics with Yuki mad at him, especially since the nice days weren't going to be lasting too much longer. "I'll be back." he said suddenly. Yuki looked up, slightly surprised, then went back to studying.   
***   
Yukito heard the door open about fifteen minutes later, and glanced up.   
"Come on, Yuki," Touya said with a wide grin, holding out his hand. "We're going out."   
Yukito blinked. "But we have to...where are we going?" He just didn't have the heart to stay very mad at Touya for very long, especially when Touya was smiling like that. When he was smiling at him like that, it was so easy to forget everything.   
...It was so easy to make all new memories to replace the ones he had lost. He could make new memories with Touya, even though he would never be able to now with his grandparents.   
The grin on Touya's face widened, oblivious to the sudden downward spiraling of Yukito's thoughts.  
"You'll see. Come on, let's go."   
Yukito felt a small answering smile come to his face almost despite himself, and he took Touya's hand.   
It was, after all, very hard to stay very mad at To-ya for very long. 

*** 

Lunch arrived, and Li found himself nearly pounced upon and dragged outside by Sakura and Yamazaki, Tomoyo and Chiharu following closely behind.   
"So what have you been doing these past three years? How was China?" Yamazaki asked, grinning.   
"I was in Hong Kong." Li said carefully, and glower starting to appear on his face. "It's *not* China. Not yet, anyway. No matter what the 'One Country Two Systems' says."   
Yamazaki backpedaled away from what he'd just said as quickly as he could. "Hooo-kay, then...um...so, how was Hong Kong?"   
Li shrugged. "Like it always is. Busy and crowded."   
Yamazaki snorted. "Nothing like Tokyo, no..."   
Li blinked, then gave a rare smile. "True, but Tokyo has things in it that just aren't in Hong Kong."   
He gave Sakura a shy smile before realizing he had done it, and blushed and looked away as soon as he did. Without intending to, he looked at Tomoyo when he looked away from Sakura, and for a second...for second, he could have *sworn*...   
He brushed it off. Tomoyo--sweet, gentle, quiet, polite Tomoyo-chan--just wasn't capable of looking at someone like he had just thought she had looked at him. 

*** 

"Where are we going?"   
Yukito knew that Touya grinned then, even if he couldn't see it. "You'll see. Just hang on tight. The light's about to change."   
The red light switched back to green then, and Yukito's arms tightened around Touya instinctively as the motorcycle took off. Yukito watched the city go by them, wondering to himself just where Touya was taking them. He had at first thought they were going to the park--after all, To-ya had packed them a huge lunch, but they had headed right past the park, into Tokyo.   
~Wait--does he mean to take us to Ueno?~ Yukito wondered. He looked around again, and realized that was exactly where they were heading. ~Ueno. I haven't been here in a while. To-ya never liked it much for some reason, so we don't come here very often, even though I always loved to come when the sakura trees were in bloom.~   
When they arrived, Touya looked at him and grinned again. "So find a place you want to spread out."   
Yukito nodded. "I know they aren't blooming, but I'd like to go near the sakura trees."   
~Was it my imagination, or did his jaw clinch for a minute? That had to be my imagination.~   
"That's cool."   
"Do you want me to carry the picnic basket?"   
"No, no, I've got it." Touya said. "I should be able to carry it most of the way."   
Yukito started walking, Touya beside him. Yukito looked around as he did, enjoying the peacefulness of the place in the midst of the bustle of Tokyo. ~I wonder why Touya never liked Ueno. I don't think he's ever told me.   
~I wonder if he told me, and it's one of the things I forgot.~   
"Oi. Why are you frowning up again?"   
Yukito startled. He forgot, sometimes, how everything he felt was always written on his face. He smiled again, even though it felt somewhat fake.   
~Maybe that's because it is.~   
"It's nothing. Just thinking. And let me carry that. You look kind of out of breath."   
Touya nodded and handed their lunch to Yukito. "Thanks." He sighed. "I still forget how easily I get tired out. It's a lot better than it used to be but...eh, well." He shrugged.   
"There." Yukito said, pointing. "That looks like a nice, quiet spot."   
***   
After he ate, Yukito stretched out in the sun and fell into a light doze. Touya watched him for a minute, then stared off into space.   
He hadn't been in Ueno in what felt like years, even though it hadn't been any where near that long. He hadn't much liked Ueno, because off all the things he had felt in the park. But now...it was just a park. Nothing else. He didn't feel *anything* here, and he felt the nothing so strong he began to wonder if he'd ever actually felt anything at all--he began to wonder how it was that he had ever felt something.   
He frowned. He didn't like where his thoughts were going. And...he didn't like that feeling, that there was nothing. Somehow, it felt more wrong than anything else had been. And it felt like a slap in the face. It felt like...   
_~It feels like maybe this isn't temporary.~   
_ Touya startled. _~That's it, isn't it, Kinomoto? You always kinda thought it was temporary. You thought that eventually, everything would come back. But it's not coming back, is it? You'll never be able to sense anything again, will you?~   
~No. There's no way it's forever. It can't be.~ _  
He stood up. There was one way to know for certain. There was one thing that, if he was ever going to be able to sense anything, ever, he would sense now.   
The way there was ingrained forever in his memory.   
Slowly, but with certainty, Touya began to walk.   
***   
"How long are you going to be staying in Tokyo, Li-kun?" Tomoyo asked, laying her chopsticks down gracefully as she spoke. Her question seemed innocent enough, but Li found himself frowning for a moment.   
"I'm planning on staying for good this time." he said.   
"Ahh. Your family didn't object?"   
"No." he said, doing his best to suppress a blush.   
Sakura grinned. "You mean it? You really are staying forever?"   
Li nodded.   
Tomoyo picked up her chopsticks, staring at her food very intently and carefully not looking at Li.   
"Where's Rika-chan?" Li asked after a minute, realizing he hadn't seen Rika since they all went to lunch.   
Chiharu blushed slightly. "She...um...had lunch plans already. She said to say she's sorry, but she'll be here tomorrow."   
"Ahh, OK." Li said, nodding.   
"So why did you come back to Tokyo, Li-kun?" Tomoyo asked just as polite.   
"A lot of things. There was some family business here, and I wanted to leave after the changeover." He blushed again. "And....and like I said...there are some things in Tokyo that just aren't in Hong Kong."   
Yamazaki sighed. "Yeah. Like earthquakes. Man, did you hear about Shibuya? Tokyo's starting to fall apart bit by bit."   
Tomoyo nodded. "My mother's office building was nearly destroyed. It's still standing, but just barely. The office got shut down, and so my mother's about to go out of the country to work in another branch office in Paris."   
Li frowned. "Are you moving to France? Or are you going to be staying by yourself?"   
Tomoyo shook her head. "When she goes, I'm going to move in with Sakura-chan for a while."   
Tomoyo gave Li another strange look, and Li couldn't quite place it. If it had been *anyone* else, he would have said it was slightly...triumphant...? But this was *Tomoyo*.   
"Why didn't you go to France with your mother, Tomoyo-chan?" Li asked, curious.   
A tiny little smile touched the girl's face. "As you said before, Li-kun. 'There are some things in Tokyo'..."   
Sakura suddenly grinned and leaned over and hugged Li. "I still can't believe you're here!"   
Li turned bright red, but gave Sakura a quick hug back. "Neither can I." _::Or members of my family.::_  
He looked away from her, trying to get his blush under control, and found himself looking at Tomoyo again. And to see Tomoyo-chan giving him...that *look* just...it wasn't making sense.   
"Tomoyo," Li began, somewhat nervously. "Is something wrong? I mean, you keep…I mean…" he trailed off, not quite sure how to finish or even what he was trying to say, a faint blush on his cheeks.   
For a brief moment, something passed through Tomoyo's eyes, and then was gone. And she smiled. "I *am* sorry, Li-kun. I really am. My mind was ...somewhere else. It won't happen again."   
Tomoyo gave him another peaceful smile, and Li felt his shoulders relax, deciding it had all been his imagination.   
***   
Touya looked up at the sakura tree. He remembered that day. He remebered it every time he saw the tree. Sakura had gotten lost; he had gone looking for her, and found her...and that man....under the tree. He had never had chills like that before in his life, and the feeling that there was something of unconsciousable evil surrounding Sakura. His only thought had been to get her away and quickly, before it was too late for either of them. He had felt the tree's evil from almost the instant he had stepped foot in Ueno; only the knowledge that--somehow--Sakura had gotten near it had made him get as close to it as he had. He had hoped to never see the tree again. Whenever he had been in Ueno Park, no matter what for, he had never gotten anywhere near it.   
Until he lost his power. And so here he was, standing in front of it.   
Waiting. Waiting for...something. Anything.   
_ ~Nothing.~ _   
Three years. It had been three years. But he never got used to it, and he was beginning to wonder how he ever would, because now he knew he would have to.   
There was a footstep behind him. He turned his head sharply. "Yuki?"   
"Are you about ready to go, To-ya?" Yukito asked, frowning slightly, and staring at the tree Touya was standing in front of. Something made him feel....cold. And frightened. For some reason, the way the sakura petals--~At this time of year? Why is it still blooming?~--swirled around Touya...it was insane; it was as if the tree was a cogniscent thing and as if the tree *wanted* Touya, and it made Yukito feel cold and afraid, as if this *thing* wanted to take his To-ya away from him.   
~N-no.~ The thought came desperately, directed irrationally at that unnatural *thing* Touya was standing under. ~N-no. H-he's mine. N-no.~ And Yukito suddenly felt very afraid, as if the tree had answered back to him by the way the blossoms swirled again, obscuring Touya from his view.   
"T-Touya. Could you...could you come over here? Away from...away from that tree? I don't know why but...I just have a bad feeling about it. Please come away from it. Please."   
A strange, pained look that he tried to hide crossed Touya's face, and Yukito knew that somehow he had said something as painful for Touya as what Touya had said earlier that day had been for him.   
"Touya...?" he began, not certain how to go from there, and still irrationally afraid of the...*thing* Touya was standing under. It wasn't a tree. It looked like one, but it *wasn't*. He didn't know what it was, but he wanted to get Touya as far from it as possible, irrational as that feeling was or not, and make sure Touya was never near it ever again.   
"Let's go, Yuki." Touya said, and closed his eyes. "I'll explain later."   
A spray of cherry blossoms followed Touya as he walked away, and Yukito felt very cold. 

*** 

"So where are you staying, Syaoran-kun?" Sakura asked, still looking at him as if she couldn't believe he was actually there.   
Li shrugged. "Same as last time. I have an apartment provided by my family."   
Sakura suddenly glared. "Wait--you aren't staying by yourself again!"   
Li nodded as his raised his chopsticks to his mouth.   
"No no no no NO." Sakura said, shaking her head. "You are *not*. No."   
"Sakura..." he began, holding the food right before his lips. "I'll be all right. I lived by myself before."   
Sakura's glare deepened and Li nearly dropped his chopsticks. "Yeah, and do you remember when you got so sick you couldn't make yourself food? What would you have done if Touya hadn't sent me over with food? Huh? What?"   
"Sakura..." he tried again.   
"No. You're only thirteen. You shouldn't be by yourself. No. We have plenty of room at my place. You can stay with us, too."   
"Ummm....Sakura...don't you think you should ask your fa..."   
Sakura glared at him again, and Li decided it was safer to pop the rice into his mouth and chew than it was to even bother just then.   
*** 

Yukito sat down at the desk, staring at Touya, who had laid down on his futon, one large hand over his eyes. "It's just strange, Yuki." Touya finally said after a long moment. He knew Yukito was waiting form him to talk, but it took him a while to gather his thoughts. When they had gotten home, Yukito had shuffled Touya into their room and asked him what had happened. Yukito was still pale, and Touya knew that whatever he had once been able to sense around the tree, Yuki had been able to sense now. "All my life...my whole life, I've always sensed things. Always. Even when I didn't want to. But it was normal for me. 'Oh, there's another guy with a hole in his chest.' 'Oh, there's a shikigami.' 'That little girl never got home, and she's never going to, is she?' 'Man, what is *up* with that one frickin' cherry tree in Ueno?!!?'"   
Touya continued talking, even though he didn't miss the small shiver that ran up Yuki's spine, or the way the smaller man wrapped his arms around himself for a moment, at the mention of the tree.   
"...There was some weird stuff, yeah, but it was *normal*.   
"But now...I dunno, Yuki. Something's not right. I don't know why. Something feels like...it feels like there's something missing. There's something not right. Like everything's...flat now. I didn't realize how much until today, when I went to Ueno. That's why I was at that tree. What you sensed around it is what I used to be able to. I don't...feel anything around it anymore. But there's still something there."   
He left the rest unsaid, and Yukito didn't say anything for a long moment. Then: "I'm sorry, Touya."   
"Oi. What are you apologizing for?" Touya said somewhat sharply, sitting up and looking straight at Yukito. "This isn't your fault."   
"Yes, it is. You gave it up for me." Yukito said, looking down at his hands.   
Touya lifted Yukito's face so the smaller man was looking at him. "Yeah. And I'd do it again without a second thought, and don't you forget it, either. You mean a hell of a lot more to me than being able to sense things ever could." he finished, his voice somewhat gruff, and a faint pink tingeing his cheeks.   
Yukito looked up and a slow smile warmed his face. But the smile never reached his eyes; his eyes were still troubled and self-reproaching, and he looked away.   
"Yuki." Touya said. Yukito raised his eyes again. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again until you believe me. Yeah, I gave something up. But I gave it up to keep the person I love by me forever, and I'd do it again. Isn't that what love is, after all? And I've loved you since almost the first time I met you."   
Yukito blinked to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. His face crumpled then from the attempt. "I can't...I can't remember when I met you. I can't remember when I fell in love with you."   
"Oh, Yuki." Touya said softly, and enfolded Yukito in his arms. "I'm so sorry."   
"There's so much that's just gone...my grandparents. I only have a year and a half's worth of memories of my grandmother, and only two years of my grandfather. I can't remember anything with them...all the stories they would tell me, of when I was little...it was like it was a stranger. It was like I was living with strangers. Strangers I loved, but strangers. And when they died...they didn't feel real to me. The only thing that feels real to me is you...your family...but I don't remember meeting anyone but Sakura-chan. There's absolutely nothing before meeting Sakura-chan." Yukito pulled away and began wiping his cheeks quickly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for mys..."   
"And why not?" Touya said, his voice sharp again. "It's not fair, none of it. And it's not right that you should try to act like it's OK. You're allowed to be upset over all of this. You lost a hell of a lot more than I did, Yuki."   
"I'm grateful just to still be here, To-ya." Yukito said with a smile, trying to deflect Touya's growing anger at the whole situation.   
"That doesn't mean you can't get upset. Or that you can't try to do something about it."   
"To-ya...?"   
Touya's eyes were suddenly far away. "Y'know, I wonder. I wonder if... come on, Yuki." Touya said, jumping up and pulling Yukito with him. "I think we need to go have a chat with that little walking stuffed animal that started this whole mess." 

*** 


	3. Chapter 2 Omoide no Tame ni

* * *

Chapter Two:   
Omoide no tame ni - I 

_Onaji tsuki ga terashite iru, kimi to boku no chigau jinsei  
_The same moon is shining, your life and mine are different. 

-Glay, "Freeze My Love" 

* * *

"So why doesn't he remember anything?" Touya said, arms crossed.   
Kero-chan sighed. "Because it's weird, a'iight? OK. Basically, Yukito's a glorified spell. Clow creatred him, like he did Yue an' me. And Yukito's grandparents. He had to create that fake reality to explain Yue's other form."   
"So if Yukito's grandparent's aren't real, why did they exist? Why did they die? I mean, they died. There were bodies. Funerals. Why?"   
"'Cause tha spell ended." Kero said shortly. "As th'magic generatin' 'em ended--as tha time when th'need for 'em dropped off, 'cause Sakura knew the truth--the magic just stopped. Tha spell ended, and they ceased to exist. But ta keep that feeling of reality, they 'died' 'steada *just* ceasing ta exist. It's how tha spell worked. Make sense?"   
Kero-chan flew up in front of Yukito. "Why d'ya even *want* those mem'ries back? They were fake." he said, curiously.   
"They make have been false memories...but...but they were mine. I'm not...real. I know that. I'm not human. But...but...they were mine...they made me close to human." Yukito said, struggling to find the words. "And some of them weren't fake. Some of them were real."   
Kero didn't miss the way Yukito looked over at Touya when he spoke his last sentence.   
"You didn't answer my question. Why doesn't he remember?" Kero-chan sighed. "Because...because Yue's the true form. He's tha form that shoulda took over. Yukito f'rgetting everythin' was tha start'a that. Eventually, he'd'a f'rgotten ev'rythin' 'n' faded away, even if Sakura'd been stronger. Yukito was living on borrowed time anyway; when Yue came back, Yukito was prob'ly supposed ta disappear completely. That's why it took out *all'a* yer magic, Touya. You were going against how Clow had set up everythin' was s'pose ta work. Ya didn' just maintain Yue, ya kept up Yukito, too. It's why Sakura wasn't strong 'nuff ta maintain 'em both...she couldn't do that *and* change all th'cards, too."   
"So I would have...too...?" Yukito said, eyes large, looking shell-shocked.   
**_clow, ya were a great guy, but there're times when ya were a right bastard, too.>_**   
Touya stood there, blinking for a moment, scowling, then spoke. His voice was slow and careful, and the coldest and lowest that Kero-chan had ever heard it, so much so that even Yukito shivered involuntarily at it. "So what you're saying is one day, Yukito would have gone away and never come back. And you weren't going to tell us any of this, were you?"   
Kero-chan looked away.   
"So how do we get his memories back?"   
"Ya *don't*." Kero-chan said shortly. "Ya oughta just be glad he's alive."   
"That's not a good enough answer." Touya said, eyes narrowed.   
"To-ya....maybe we should..." Yukito began softly.   
"No." he said shortly. "I refuse to accept that as an answer, Yuki. Something made your memories go away, and there ought to be something to make them come back."   
**_there is, but *I* ain't gonna be the one to tell ya.>_**   
Touya stared at Kero-chan, frowning. "Oi...there's something you're not saying."   
Kero-chan startled. _**wait...he's not s'pposed t'have...how'd he...?>**_   
"Whaddaya mean, 'some'in' I'm not sayin' '?" Kero-chan said, his Osaka accent thickening as he went on the defensive.   
Touya's eyes narrowed. "Just what I said. I don't trust you. When you first showed up, you put my sister in danger and never explained anything to her until it was too late and she was in too deep. You never even gave her a choice. You made my little sister make a covenant with the *dark* when she was too little to even know what that might mean or what she could have exposed herself to. Why should I accept anything you say at face value? Especially with something involving magic and Clow?"   
"I...I..." Kero stammered. **__** "C'mon, Yuki." Touya said, turning his back and heading towards the door. "I don't feel like talking to it any more." 

*** 

Sakura decided she was not going to throw her math book. Even if it seemed like a very good idea.   
She flung herself on her bed. "Hoee! It's the first day of classes! I shouldn't be having problems *now*!" she wailed into her pillow.   
Just when she had gotten herself in a good self-pity bout, she heard a loud knock on her door. "Come in!" she yelled, and buried her face back in her pillow.   
"Oi. Monster. I need to talk to you."   
She looked up just as Touya was shutting the door. She hadn't seen him look that sober in a long time, and she immediately sat up, holding the pillow against her chest. "What's wrong, _o-nii-chan_?"   
Touya sat down at her desk, frowning slightly.   
"_O...o-nii-chan_?" Sakura began hesitantly when he didn't say anything.   
"Sakura, you know Yuki can't remember anything before he met you."   
Sakura bit her lip. "Yeah. I know." She had known that this conversation was going to come eventually. She'd hoped she would have warning of some sort, but... She sighed. Well. She'd known it was coming eventually.   
"Have you thought of trying to do something about it?" She blinked.   
"What do you mean?"   
"Magic erased his memories. Maybe magic can bring them back."   
"I asked Kero-chan about it." Sakura said softly. "When Yukito-san's grandfather died. He said--"   
"He probably lied." Touya said sharply.   
"_O_-nii-_chan_!"   
Touya's glare silenced her before she could go any further in her burgeoning indignant rage. "He tried to lie to me about it earlier today. Unlike you, Sakura, I don't accept what he says at face value. I can't afford to. And if you think about it, you can't either."   
"Wh-*what*?"   
"Sakura...think about it. He never told you what you were getting into with the Clow cards until it was too late. He made you make a 'covenant' before telling you what it was with. You were a *child*, and he put you into danger without telling you any of it. He never told you about Yue until Yue appeared, when he should have. He never told you *anything*, Sakura, until he had to. He didn't even tell you about the Judgment. You can't trust him. Not at face value. Why haven't you realized that yet?"   
"But Kero-chan's...he's....Touya, why are you saying all of this?" she said angrily.   
"Because someone has to, Sakura. And because he doesn't want Yukito getting his memories back. I don't know why, unless it's to cover something he doesn't want known. But if that's the case, that's not right. It's not fair to Yuki. It's not fair to us."   
Touya's eyes narrowed. "And I suppose he never told you that the original plan was for Yukito to completely vanish, did he? Even if you had been powerful enough to maintain Yue. Yukito was, and I quote, 'supposed to disappear completely'."   
Sakura's eyes widened, and she clutched at her pillow. "Yukito-san was going to...? No, Kero-chan would have told--"   
"Why would he have? Is it something you should have known? He has a track record for not telling you those things, in case you hadn't noticed." He sighed. "Sakura...look, I know he's your guardian. But 'your' guardian still has Clow's best interest in mind, even above yours, and always has."   
"But he's my friend!"   
Touya's voice dripped sarcasm with his next words. "And what a fine friend he is, too. Loved the warning he gave you for what would happen if you *lost* the little judgment he never told you about until it *started*."   
Sakura began shaking.   
"It's not fair!" Touya said angrily, his frustration at the whole situation suddenly coming out. "He can't even remember his grandparents. You, more than anyone else, should know...you should know how much that hurts."   
"Mom." Sakura said softly. She couldn't look at her brother.   
Touya sighed. "Sakura...if you know a way...if you can find a way...I can't do anything, not now. Kerberos isn't..."   
"I'll ask Syaoran." Sakura said just as softly, cutting off her brother's words. "If anyone knows a way, he would."   
The corner of Touya's eye twitched. "Nnngh."   
"_O-nii-chan_." she said softly, as Touya rose to walk out the door. It was easy for her to forget sometimes...things had turned out well. For her. But for Yukito-san...and her brother...she had begun it, but they had paid for it. It was because of her--because she hadn't been strong enough...   
They had never blamed her.   
They hadn't had to; she did it for them.   
"If there's a way...if there's a way, I'll find it, I promise."   
Touya gave her a faint smile, then came over to her and ruffled her hair. "Thanks, monster. And stop looking so serious! Sheesh." He rolled his eyes at her, then walked back to door and left, closing it behind him.  
"I will find a way. I owe you both at least that much." she said softly, then told herself not to cry. 

*** 

"Sakura! Sakura!" Kero-chan's voice was slightly muffled from behind the closed door. "Open tha door, willya?" Sakura stood up a bit shakily, and walked to her door to open it.   
Kero-chan flew in, munching on a few sticks of Pocky. "Whaddya shut th'door for, Sakura?" he asked when he stopped chewing. He flew over to her Playstation immediately, sticking in one of the Final Fantasy VII disks while a long piece of Pocky quickly disappeared into his mouth.   
"I didn't. Touya did."   
Kero-chan started to choke.   
"Kero-chan!" Sakura yelled, running over to him immediately and lightly thumping his back with two fingers. "You OK?"   
"...Fine..." he gasped, still coughing strawberry Pocky crumbs. He took a deep breath. "Sooooo....what'd the big bro wanna talk ta ya 'bout?"   
There was a long silence before Sakura spoke. "Yukito-san's memories."   
Kero-chan started to choke again. "OK, puttin' tha Pocky *down* now." he said, shaking his head. He heaved a sigh, and looked at Sakura. She was staring at him, her eyes strangely wavering, and he knew she was close to tears.   
"Sakura..." He heaved a sigh. "Ya know there's a reason for it, don'cha?"   
"Eh?"   
Kero-chan frowned. "There's a *reason* why he doesn't remember. Clow never did anythin' f'r no good reason. He *knew* it was better that way. Leave it that way."   
Sakura frowned. "Just because Clow had a reason, I should just say 'OK'? And Yukito-san should just accept that he can't remember anything? Why? Clow may have had a reason, but that doesn't make it *right*. That doesn't make it *fair*!"   
Kero-chan glared at her. "Whoever said life was *fair*, Sakura?"   
Sakura straightened, almost as if slapped. "Ke-Kero-chan..." she said softly. She looked away, and when she next spoke, her words were very soft. "Touya said...he...he said that you've been lying to me. That...that you were protecting Clow and...and that you had his interests above mine. And that you weren't telling me things. That you should have. And that...that Yukito was supposed to disappear, even if I'd gotten powerful enough to maintain Yue. And that you weren't going to tell me that. Is...is that true?" She looked at him, tears burning in her eyes, waiting for him to say something...anything.   
His words were stiff. "If you order me to help you, Sakura, then I will. But if ya do, then ya gotta know things won't ever be the same between all of us. If you order me to, I will, because I won't have a choice. If our master orders us to do anything, we don't have a choice. If you want it to be like that, then just say the word."  
"Kero-chan..." Sakura said, her lip trembling. She balled her hands into fists. "Fine. Fine, don't help us! I thought you cared about Touya and Yukito. I guess I was wrong. I won't force you to do anything, Kerberos. If you don't want to help, then don't!" Sakura sniffled suddenly, not able to stop the sudden angry and hurt tears.  
"Sakura..." Kero began. But Sakura ran out of the room before he could say another word. 

*** 

Sakura's feet remembered the way to where she was going, even if she wasn't thinking about it. It seemed like one minute she had been running out of her house with tears in her eyes, and the next, she was standing outside of Syaoran's apartment, knocking on the door with growing desperation. She banged harder and harder on the door, willing herself not to begin screaming out his name as well.   
The door flew open; she fell inside, carried by the force of the blow that had not fallen. Li caught her easily, eyes wide.   
"Sakura?"   
She took one look at his face and burst into fresh tears.   
"Sakura! Sakura, what's wrong?" Li said, quickly getting her inside and sitting her down at on the couch.  
She swallowed thickly a few times before she could trust herself to talk. "Kero...Kero-chan...he...Touya..." she tried, then bit her lip, angry at her own inability to express what she was trying so hard to say.   
How did one say that they felt as if their heart had been rasped with a grate? How did one say that everything they had believed had been pulled out from under them? How did one say that their world was collapsing?   
Li sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her, letting her lean against him. He waited quietly; patiently, knowing she would speak when she was able to.   
She spent a few minutes trying to get herself under control. Once she could breathe without every other breath punctuated by a shuddering gasp, she trusted her voice again. "Touya...tonight, when...I..." Her words fell off again and fresh tears--angry tears this time--began to well in her eyes.   
Li stood up suddenly. "Come on." Sakura stared at him dumbly. "We are going for a walk." he said his voice indicating that he would not be argued with. Sakura nodded once. 

*** 

They walked for about twenty minutes before Sakura dared try to speak again. She had spent much of that time trying to organize her thoughts, and barely knowing where to begin. Li had walked beside her in silence, not trying to convince her to talk.   
They had walked about two miles before Sakura found her voice and found she could trust it. "Tsukishiro-san doesn't remember anything."   
Li startled at Sakura's use of Yukito's family name. Never had he heard her refer to Yukito as Tsukishiro-san. Never.   
Her words were very careful, and far more formal than he had ever heard her use. _::She sounds like Tomoyo...Sakura...is this all really that hard for you?:: _  
"What do you mean?"   
"He doesn't remember anything before he met me. Because...because I wasn't strong enough. Yue coming erased all of Yuki--Tsukishiro-san's memories from before he met me. He doesn't...he doesn't remember his family. He doesn't remember meeting Touya. He doesn't remember anything."   
_ ::I wonder...I wonder if that's why Tomoyo is like she is...to distance herself? Oh, Sakura...I'm so sorry for all of this; I'm sorry you're going through this.:: _**_  
_** Sakura stared out at nothing, falling silent again. After another block, she had collected herself enough to speak again. "If I had been stronger...then I could have kept them both. Touya...he wasn't strong enough, and he shouldn't have had to have been. Yue and Kero-chan were my guardians, but I was responsible for them. I should have...but I never gave Yue more than a passing thought, and so I never saw. I never...I never knew. I never...I never...I never realized..." she said, her shoulders beginning to hitch and tears starting to run down her cheeks again. "I never even looked to see. I was too busy...too busy with Kero-chan...too busy with the cards...too busy....too...I never saw because I never looked. And Touya lost his power, and Tsukishiro-san lost his memory."   
"Sakura...why are you calling him 'Tsukishiro-san'?" Li finally asked softly.   
"Because I don't deserve to use his name!" she yelled angrily, stopping short. "I don't deserve to be that familiar! I don't deserve...I don't...I don't deserve them...them not blaming me!" she said, giving in suddenly to sobs. Her knees seemed to buckle and Li caught her before she could fall to the ground, and they stood in the sidewalk, her holding on to him as she sobbed against his shoulder; him holding her and letting her cry the tears that had been building for three years. "I don't deserve....it's all my fault! Because...I didn't...I didn't see!"   
"Sakura. It's not your fault." Li said softly, his head against the top of her head. "You were a child...a child. You didn't know. No one told you."   
Her hands tightened their grip on his shirt, and her next words were slightly hysterical. "I know! I know! Because Kero-chan....because...Touya told me something tonight! He told me...he told me the truth. That...that I can't trust Kero-chan, because...because Kero-chan...and it was the truth! When I confronted Kero-chan...he...he couldn't even answer me! He just changed the subject!"   
She looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot. "What do I do? What? I don't know...I just don't know what to do."   
Li sighed, holding her tighter for a moment, feeling her entire body trembling. _::She must be exhausted...I don't quite know what happened, but she can't talk about it now. Tomorrow. She needs to rest. She can't deal with this now.:: _  
"First things first. It's getting late, and you need sleep." Li said, slowly letting her go. "Your family's going to start getting worried about you. I'm already on your brother's bad side, so you should get home before he comes out here looking ready to try to flay me alive. Tomorrow after school, we'll go to my place. There's got to be a way to do something...a way to at least get Yukito-san's memories back, now that your magic is stronger. None of this is your fault, Sakura, and it never was, but you don't have to accept things as they are. I have some books that might tell us something. We'll find something." He took her hands and squeezed for a brief moment. "We'll find a way to do this. I promise."   
Sakura nodded, brushing away tears that sprang up suddenly at his words. "That's what I had originally come over to ask you....thank you. Thank you for knowing."   
Li shrugged it off. "It's nothing." A blush touched his cheeks. "If I can help Yukito-san, I mean. And you. And...and..." he stammered, trying to fight a blush. Sakura laughed, and Li was overjoyed to hear the sound. It was not her normal laugh, but it was still *hers*.   
"You haven't changed, Syaoran."   
"Oh, shut up." he mumbled, turning even redder and shoving his hands in his pockets. "Come on, let's get you home."   
Sakura raised an eyebrow suddenly, returning just a bit to her normal self. "You know you shouldn't be living by yourself. And we have a spare bedroom."   
Li put his face in his hands. "Sakura...." 

*** 

She returned home, grateful beyond belief that there was no one in the living room. No one she had to pass. She glanced at her watch--it was about nine o'clock. If she'd come home any later, both her father and Touya would have been down there, staring at the door, waiting for her. She didn't want to see them just then. They would both take one look at her and ask her what was wrong, and she didn't want to talk about any of it right then--not to her father, and most certainly not to Touya. Seeing him, with the way she was still feeling, was likely to send her into another crying jag.   
She let out a cheerful, "I'm ho~ome!" that sounded completely fake to her tired ears. She headed to her room, closing the door behind her. She sank onto her bed, kicking her school books and homework off of it. She'd just get up in the morning and finish it. She was too tired to even change her clothes; she just wanted to sleep and escape for a while.   
"Sakura...?"   
_ /~No. No no no no no no no no no no NO!~/   
_ "I'm tired, Kero. Whatever it is, it can wait." she said, not looking up from the pillow her face was buried in.   
"But Sakura--"   
"IT. CAN. WAIT." Sakura said, almost growling, not even rolling off her stomach to look at him. She heard Kero-chan heave a sigh.   
"A'iight. Mornin'."   
"*Thank* you." Sakura said glacially. Then she shut her eyes and fell asleep, thinking only that she did not want to dream. 

*** 

Waking was difficult. She slowly opened her eyes, feeling disoriented. She knew she had not dreamed, but also knew somehow that it had cost her not to; that she had forced it, and something was as strained as she because of it.   
"Sakura?"   
She heard Kero's voice, and it felt like something in her head just exploded. No. Just no. She couldn't talk to him. Not now; not when she felt as if he had betrayed her in the worst way that he could. She curled up in a ball, drawing her sheets around her tightly as she did.   
"Sakura...ya said we could talk in tha mornin'..."   
"What do you want to talk about?" Sakura said, her voice sounding strange to her ears. She could almost feel Kerberos falter.   
"Sakura...."   
Hearing him call her that suddenly grated; suddenly felt like a slap. She sat upright, clutching her sheets in her hands tightly. "What is it? What do you want? What do you want to tell me? I know it's not going to be why you lied to me. I know it's not going to be why you couldn't answer me last night. I know it's not going to be why you...you...*insulted* me by thinking I'd force you to do something just because it's something Clow Read would have done." The girl suddenly sniffled, trembling, tears running down her face. "So what do you want to talk to me about?"   
Kerberos started then stopped, his entire body seeming to grow limp. "Sakura...I'm sorry. I am. But...I just nee'ja ta trust me, a'iight?"   
She stared at him. "You....you want me to... Touya was right...you've never told me the truth until you had to. You never really had my best interests at heart. Never! Give me a reason why I should trust you! Can you? When you refuse to answer me when I ask you the one thing I need to know to be able to? You want me to *trust* you?"   
"Sakura....please...on this, jus' *trust* me, an' don' do this!"   
She leveled a hard glare on him. "Why?"   
"'Cause it'd be a bad idea. Clow Read never did nothin' f'r no good reason." The glare intensified. "There was a time when that would have been enough. But if that's all you can offer me for why..." The tears dried and her hands clutched at her sheets again, this time in anger. "I won't ask you for help. But just stay out of our way."  
"Sakura..."   
"Do I have to make it an order, Kerbe--Kero-chan?" she said, her voice cracking again. "Do you want me to have to make it be like that between us?" The words came out a half sob, pleading with him.   
Kerberos's shoulders slumped again. "No." he said, his voice a listless whisper. "Ya don't. I'll keep outta tha way. I won' be a part'a this...but I won' go 'gainst ya, neither."   
"Thank you." she whispered, her voice as listless as his. "Excuse me, I need to get ready for school."   
Kero-chan nodded and flew into the drawer she had long ago set up for him, then closed his tired eyes, knowing with an unsettling certainty that things were only going to get worse. 

*** 

"Sakura-chan! What's wrong?" Tomoyo asked the second she saw Sakura outside of school. Sakura blinked. "Hunh?"  
"You look like you haven't slept. What's wrong?"   
Sakura's shoulders slumped. "I had a rough night. And morning."   
"What happened?" Sakura frowned. "Seems like everything. My life just kinda imploded in on itself."   
Tomoyo frowned slightly. "Did Li-kun do something, Sakura-chan?"   
She shook her head. "No, no, Syaoran didn't do anything! But...but everything else just kinda went all wrong."  
"Sakura-chan...do you want to not go to school today? It may be good for you to be able to sit down and talk this out."   
Sakura smiled, and Tomoyo frowned slightly to herself for a bare instant--it was not Sakura-chan's smile. Something was very wrong; something had hurt her very deeply.   
"I never thought you'd be trying to convince me to play hooky, Tomoyo-chan!"   
Sakura sobered quickly. "No...I told Syaoran I was coming. I've got to talk to him about all of this." She frowned for a moment. "Hmm...I wonder where he is..."   
"Ahh." Tomoyo fell silent, keeping the sting of Sakura's words to herself. Before Li had come...no, she had to stop that. She had to stop it now.   
Sakura took Tomoyo's hand and squeezed it suddenly. "Tomoyo...I'll catch you up on all of this at lunch, OK? There's not time right now to go into all of this. I want your help, too. OK?"   
Sakura's eyes were shining at Tomoyo in something resembling their normal warmth, marred only by the deep sadness that seemed to mute everything about the person Tomoyo loved the most. Something in her warmed at that smile, and she vowed to herself that she would do whatever she could to take away Sakura-chan's sadness. More than anything, she wished for Sakura-chan to be happy, even if she could never truly be the one to share it.   
"Of course, Sakura-chan." A real smile lit Sakura's face. "Thanks, Tomoyo-chan!" she said, squeezing Tomoyo's hands in hers for a moment. "Hoee! The bell!" she yelled, and, still grasping one of Tomoyo's hands, ran for class. 

*** 

Lunch came and Sakura knew that she was going to have to dredge up the pain that had grown into a numb ache as the day had progressed. She stared forward, not really looking at anything, her lunch untouched in front of her. She had tried to eat, but...   
"Last night...Touya...he asked me about..." Sakura started, and stopped. She took a deep breath, and started over again. "Last night, Touya asked me about bringing back Yukito-san's memories. And he told me a few things about Kero-chan." 

*** 

Fujitaka opened his eyes slowly. He glanced at the clock, and breathed a sigh of relief that he had no classes that day. /I wonder what happened to my alarm clock.../ he thought to himself, then shook his head and got out of bed. It was well past noon, and he never slept that late. /I'll really have to check that alarm clock. It's not a habit I can afford to get into./   
He frowned. Something felt...rather strange. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. Just a vague feeling of...unease, perhaps. As if something were slightly...amiss. /Silly. You oversleep one day and decide it means the world's about to fly off it's axis./   
_~Dear?~ _  
Fujitaka smiled. "Good morning, Nadeshiko. Or rather, good afternoon."   
He could hear her laughing gently. _~And here, I thought I was the one to always oversleep.~ _  
"Someone had to pick up the slack, love." he said with a faint smile, then yawned, stretching. "Still, it's rather strange. I never sleep in this late. I didn't even hear the kids leave. And I was positive I set my alarm clock, too..." He laughed, rubbing the back of his head. "I suppose I forgot. I must be going senile in my old age."   
Nadeshiko frowned. _~It's possible...I mean...um...!~ _She burst into laughter for a moment. _~What I meant was that I wonder if you forgot. Did you dream last night?~_   
"Dream? I don't know. Maybe. Is that something I should pay attention to?"   
_~Sometimes. ~_   
Fujitaka sighed. "I might have. I really don't remember. I do know that...well... Something just feels...wrong. I wish I knew what, but I don't. I'm still not used to things like this...I can never tell if it's real or just my imagination. It's a bit frustrating, and there are times when I almost think I preferred when I never felt anything."  
Fujitaka looked over to his wife and smiled. "But then I look up, and I see you." 

*** 

Yukito was staring out into space, his mind wandering away from the class and back to where it seemed to have been for the last day--back to Ueno Park, back to that tree, back to Touya, and back to his blank memories. It seemed like it was an endless loop, and that everything that was *his* just slipped out of his grasp, or threatened to, and it frightened him. He had lost his memories and his grandparents, and now that...*thing* seemed to want to take the only other thing that was his--Touya--from him. No. Just...no. No. Touya was everything to him, and maybe he was paranoid over a *tree*, but...   
"Oi, Yuki. You wanna run home and get food, or just run by some fast food joint?" Touya's voice said, breaking into his reverie.   
"Hmm?" Yuki said jumping, surprised. He looked up and realized class had ended, and Touya was standing with his books gathered, looking down at Yukito. Touya shook his head, giving Yukito a Touya look, and something in him Yukito both warmed at it and spiked possessively.   
"Earth to Yuki. Class is over. You wanna eat? You know, that whole opening your mouth, putting something in it, chewing, and swallowing?"   
Yukito's eyebrow raised slightly and a evil gleam passed through his eyes for a second as the corner of his lips rose just slightly while he took in how Touya was standing with comfortable grace; the lines of the other boy's body. "Leave out the third one and I'm interested, To-ya." He lowered his voice. "Although we really shouldn't be out in public for that."   
Touya frowned for a minute, then turned red. "You have a sick, sick mind, Yuki."   
Yukito laughed. "Yes, and that's why you love me." Touya rolled his eyes. "And to think, you have everyone fooled into thinking you're sweet and innocent. It would just ruin your rep if people knew how perverted that head of yours really is.   
"And getting back to *not* having one's brain in the gutter, where do you want to eat? Got anything in particular you want?"   
"Yeeeeesssssssss." he said, lips twisting up for that tiny little smile again as he intentionally held the word out.   
Touya blinked once. Then blinked again. Then turned red. Again. "You and your one-track mind..."   
Yukito laughed again. "Your point?"   
Touya let out a long-suffering sigh. "I can't take you *anywhere*...and *don't* say it." he said, giving Yukito a glare, knowing precisely what Yukito had been *going* to say in response.   
Yukito just laughed. 

***

After Sakura finished talking, there was a long silence before either Li or Tomoyo spoke.   
"I started looking through some of my books last night." Li finally said, frowning slightly, knowing she needed to talk about Kerberos, but not even beginning to know how to broach it. He decided to go for what he did know. "One of them looks like it might help us."   
"Thank you," Sakura said, her voice soft.   
"And as for Kerberos..." he began, then fell silent, not certain what to say. There was a long silence, and finally, Tomoyo spoke, laying her chopsticks down as she began.   
"Sakura-chan...you do know that it is very possible that Kero-chan *couldn't* tell you the truth? Not that he didn't want to, but that he *couldn't*."   
Sakura blinked. Tomoyo continued, decided to go right to the heart of the matter. "He was made by Clow. I'm certain that you remember what Clow was like. It is very possible that he made Kero-chan *unable* to tell you everything until it was too late. Kero-chan very well may have wanted to, but have been unable to. Clow didn't want his carefully-laid plans thwarted, and if Kero-chan had been able to tell you what you were getting into, you would have refused. So maybe Kero-chan simply *couldn't* tell you, no matter how hard he wanted to.   
"And Sakura-chan...please think back to how Kero-chan has acted and everything you've been through with him. Yes, you hurt now, but you've got to remember how things have been and everything he's tried to do, when he was able. He's always been there for you as much as he could be. You've got to put your faith in that and what you feel, far more than anything else. This is eating you up inside because you're trying to fight your instincts. Maybe you shouldn't. You feel betrayed--but it's probably not his fault. Kero-chan loves you, Sakura-chan, and he'd do everything he was able to to help you.   
"You can trust him, Sakura-chan. He'll do the best thing for you as long as he's able to. The only time he didn't was when the best for you was against Clow's plan, and I don't think he had a choice. He loves you, and it was you he stood with against Hiirigizawa-kun."   
Sakura took Tomoyo's hand. "Thank you." she said softly, and managed a smile, with no tears.   
Li sat very quietly, frowing quietly to himself. 

*** 

He was about ready to cry. It wouldn't be very adult, but Touya had to admit, he was about ready to cry.   
His father was home. *Home.* And Yukito's little...mood...had gotten to him, no small thanks to some of Yuki's reputation-ruining comments on the ride home and Yuki himself deciding to let his hands go...exploring...whenever the train jostled. He could almost swear Yuki was trying to drive him absolutely crazy, and looking completely innocent when he did so. After an almost agonizingly long ride they had gotten home, fully intending on a bit of...alone time...and his father was *home*. And his father was talking to what seemed to Touya to be empty air, so he knew his mother was there, too.   
He could just cry.   
And Yuki being Yuki, gave *no* indication *whatsoever* that the comments coming out of his mouth before they got in the house had been as...detailed...as they had been. No, no, just that placid, innocent little smile while Touya was thanking every deity in existence that he'd worn a long shirt.   
And his father was *home*.   
Yeah, crying like a little schoolgirl was looking like a good option.   
"Fujitaka-san, you didn't have class today?"   
Fujitaka shook his head. "New semester. I don't teach on Tuesdays. I haven't had a weekday where I don't teach in years. It's almost decadent."   
"Is Nadeshiko-san doing well?" Fujitaka's face lit up. There was a moment of silence, and then Fujitaka spoke. "She says she's fine, and thank you for asking."   
"Ah, so she is here! Hello, Nadeshiko-san!" Yukito said sunnily.   
Touya slammed the glass he had been getting out of the cabinet down on the counter with for more force than he realized he was using. "Sorry." he mumbled and edged over to the refrigerator to grab the just-this-side-of-industrial-sized bottle of Gogo no Koucha.   
"Touya-kun, you're mother thinks you look a little tense. Are you OK?"   
His mother thought he looked...   
Touya nearly dropped the bottle. "I'm fine," he said, the words a sharper growl than normal.   
Yuki smiled. "We had a very long class. Long and...frustrating."   
"Very." Touya said, knowing full well that Yukito was teasing him. "Very, *very* frustrating." He gave Yuki a *look*, and Yuki just smiled at him.   
Fujitaka didn't notice the little looks. "Oh, those are always rough. But it's like that sometimes even when you're the professor, Touya-kun. The frustration does go away, and when it does, the rewards are amazing."   
"Most definitely." Yukito said, smiling that sunny, innocent-*looking* smile again. "Wouldn't you say so, To-ya? That the frustration's worth the reward in the end?"   
He just knew that Yuki was laughing at him behind that little smile of his. He just knew it. And he suspected his father was as well. "Ngh." he finally grunted, knowing that there was just no safe answer.   
"So did you boys come home for lunch?"   
Yukito nodded. "I don't have class for another hour, and Touya doesn't have one for another hour and a half. We decided it'd be better to just head back here and get something to eat than go out, since it was such a nice day.   
"To-ya, can you go ahead and start the rice warming up?"   
"Hunh? Oh, yeah. Sure." he grunted. Food. *Now* Yuki wanted food. OK, fine. Food. He decided to just focus on heating up rice. And making lunch. And not slicing his hand up as he chopped lettuce. Chopping the lettuce was very relaxing.   
"_Ano_, Touya-kun...I'd like to have a cutting board left when you're done...can you go a little easier with that?"   
"Hunh? Oh, yeah. Sure." he said, realizing he *had* been cutting a little bit more forcefully than normal, embedding the knife in the cutting board with every chop. "Sorry, Dad."   
"It must have been very hard today, Touya-kun." Fujitaka said, shaking his head.   
"You have no idea." Touya muttered.   
"Your mother says you need to relax. Maybe you two should go out and do something fun tonight."   
"That's a good idea, To-ya." Yukito said, nodding.   
"Nnngh." he grunted, going back to cooking. Cooking was safe. His mind being on cooking was a safe thing, especially with his father and mother in the room.   
"Seems everyone's making plans tonight." Fujitaka said offhandedly. "Sakura-san left a note saying she was going out tonight with Li and maybe Tomoyo; I'm going out to dinner with Sonomi-kun..."  
Touya frowned. "Oi...oi, neither of those sound like good ideas," he said, torn between glowering at the thought of Sakura being out with Li, and paling at the thought of his father and Daidouji Sonomi being alone for any length of time together.   
Fujitaka laughed. "Sonomi-kun and I are going out so we can make sure everything's all set for Tomoyo coming over when Sonomi-kun goes to France. We decided it would be wise if we met in a public place. After all, the last thing we want is for you and Sakura-chan to become orphans. And Nadeshiko is coming with me, to warn me when Sonomi-kun is about to blow."   
"OK...fine...but I don't like the idea of Sakura being alone with that...that *brat*."   
Yukito rolled his eyes, biting back a grin at the adorable way Touya was glowering. "To-ya...sister complex..."   
"Oh, shut up, you." he mumbled, turning back to finish making lunch.  
"She'll be *fine*. And Tomoyo-chan will probably be going with them, too. So don't worry."   
"NnnnnNNNNnnnnngh. Here. Eat." Touya said as he plopped a bowl of rice down in front of his father and Yukito.   
"I'll help you with the rest." Yukito said, jumping over and heading over to the kitchenette to gather the rest of the bowls of food. Standing next to Touya, he leaned over and said in a low voice in Touya's ear, "No one's home but us tonight, To-ya."   
Touya nearly dropped the bowl he was holding, and was once again very glad he was wearing a long shirt.   
And just then, from the table, Fujitaka called out, "Touya-kun, your mother thinks you're still looking tense. Are you feeling all right?"   
"I'm fine." he growled, and shot Yukito a dirty look. "You little..."   
Yukito just smiled sunnily. 

***

When Yukito and Touya got home again that afternoon, Fujitaka was waiting for them at the door. "Now, I want you boys to go do something. Go see a movie or something." he said. "You're in college now, so the pressure's off. Go out and have fun. I mean it. You certainly can't do anything fun just sitting around an empty house."   
Touya blinked. "But...Dad...there's nothing really good playing, and...." he started, thinking that there were plenty of ways for he and Yuki to have fun in an empty house, if only the house would just *empty*.  
"What about that American movie I keep seeing ads for?" Fujitaka stopped for a moment, starting to fumble over the unfamiliar language, then giving up. "You know the one I'm talking about. It apparently did quite well in the US."   
"I..." Touya started, glancing over at Yukito.   
Yuki, of course, was no help.   
Fujitaka smiled. "I think that'd be a good movie for you boys to see. It looks like mindless action and violence. If you're still as tense as you were earlier today, Touya-kun, it'd be a good release."   
Touya heard a sound from Yukito that sounded suspiciously like a laugh turned into a cough.   
"Actually," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets. "It does look like a good movie. We were thinking about going this weekend, after I got paid."   
Fujitaka smiled and reached for his wallet. "Go now. My treat. I insist." he said, holding out enough money to cover the two tickets and dinner.   
"Dad, you don't....th-thanks." Touya said, surprised his father had given him money. "You really don't have to..."   
"Touya-kun...go. Let your brains shut down. Have fun." Fujitaka said, all but pushing the two boys out the front door.   
"Thanks, Kinomoto-san!" Yukito yelled as the door was shut behind them.   
"It's a plot, Yuki." Touya said, glancing at the money he hadn't even had time to put in his wallet. "I'm telling you, it's a plot." He heaved an overly-aggrieved sigh. "Look, if we kill about fifteen, twenty minutes, Dad should clear out..."   
Yukito chuckled. "Stop being silly, To-ya. We can't just take your father's money.   
"Yeah, we can. He wanted us to have fun..."   
Yukito crossed his arms and gave Touya a look of complete disapproval. "To-ya."   
"Nnnngh."   
Yukito smiled again, knowing his point had been made and he had won. He patted Touya's arm. "Let's go to the movies, and by the time we get home, your father will be gone and Sakura-chan should still be out."  
Touya's face soured instantly at the thought of his baby sister out with Li. "Nnngh."   
"Sister com--" Yukito began.   
"Don't even say it." Touya mumbled before Yukito could finish. 

***

When cram school ended, Li, Sakura, and Tomoyo headed to the library to do what little homework they had. Tomoyo had suggested that they do their homework before they started searching for some kind of clues about bringing Yukito's memories back, so they wouldn't have any distractions. Li had agreed, and Sakura found herself more or less going along with them. Her mind, as it had been since the night before, was very far from everything around her. Even when she focused on the work in front of her, running under all her thoughts and inescapable was what Touya had told her the night before. And his voice...she had never heard him sound like that. Almost like he was broken. He was right, it wasn't fair. It just wasn't. She had come out ahead of everyone, but her brother...Yukito...it just wasn't fair.   
"Sakura-chan. There's no sense in fretting and worrying about anything now." Tomoyo's soft voice said, breaking Sakura's thoughts. Sakura looked up to see Tomoyo staring at her. "We're going to do what we can to make everything right. So don't think about it right now. Let's get our work done, and then we'll go about setting everything right."   
Sakura gave Tomoyo a small smile, and Li felt something twist in his stomach. Tomoyo had just said to Sakura exactly what she'd needed to hear. It was something, he realized, that he should have told Sakura. He didn't know how to react when Sakura was upset, and he realized he was jealous of the fact that Tomoyo did.   
_::Don't be silly. You've helped Sakura before. You've told her the right thing before. And it's not like you're competing with Tomoyo or anything. She's Sakura's friend and has known her for years.::_   
"Sakura," Li said. "We'll find the answer. We will. 'Everything's going to absolutely be OK,' remember?"   
Sakura suddenly gave him a wide smile, then sniffled. "Thank you...thank both of you so much...I..."   
"Let's get back to work, Sakura-chan." Tomoyo said with a smile.   
"OK." Sakura said, and smiled again. Quickly, they finished the remainder of their work, and headed out to get dinner. While they waited for their food, Tomoyo turned her attention to the problem at hand.   
"Li-kun...how much do we know about Clow Read? And his magic? It seems to me that the best way to figure out how to unseal Tsukishiro-san's memories would be to understand how the seal got there in the first place. If you know what put the block in place and how it was made, you'll know what to do and how to release it safely."   
Li frowned. "Clow created his own magic. The only thing we have of it here are the Cards. And Kerberos and Yue. And even then, the Clow Cards are gone--they're the Sakura Cards now. They aren't the same. The closest we can get is Eriol's magic and...well...if it's all the same, I don't think asking Eriol would be a good idea."   
"Probably not." she said. "And he's in England, so that's not really an option even if it was a good idea."   
"Clow's magic is...weird." Li said, frowning. "It's a mix of Eastern and Western. Almost no one in the Li family can actually use it. It's how the Clow Cards got...lost. No one could open the seal. And even if someone could...no one could use them."   
"You could." Sakura said softly.   
Li blushed for a moment. "No, not really. I knew about them because I studied. You were the only one who could seal them back into the Cards. I was never really a candidate, even though my family thought I was. I was just the best choice for them to send."   
"How much do you know about his magic?"   
"Very little. Unlike most of the Lis, I do have some training in Western magic, but still, it's almost nil. Most of it, I taught myself. It's why my family thought I might be able to use the Clow cards. And if I couldn't use them, I was to bring them back."   
"But you didn't."   
"I know." Li said very dryly. "And so does my entire family."  
Tomoyo wisely changed the subject. "So right now, we have to figure out if Clow used mostly Eastern magic or Western magic.   
"I would guess Western."   
Li frowned. "Why?"   
Tomoyo pursed her lips for a moment. The food arrived and they all fell silent until the waitress had left. Tomoyo used that time to compose her thoughts, and she spoke. "Because it seems too obvious that he would have used Eastern. He named Kero-chan Kerberos, which is a Western name. But Kero-chan is probably Eastern magic, because he was the strongest here, even before Sakura-chan captured the cards to release his full form, and the one Sakura was best able to work with. Yue is a Chinese name. It would seem he is Eastern, but I think the naming was to throw people off. The Eastern-magic guardian is named for a Western guardian of Hell--Kero-chan is sun magic, but he was named for a creature who never actually saw the sun in mythology. Yue is on incredibly obvious name, compared to Kero-chan's. It's obviously Eastern, yet...I'm sorry, I'm afraid that perhaps I'm not making sense."   
"No, actually. That makes a lot of sense." Li said, surprised that he hadn't seen it. "And especially since the Moon, in Western tarot cards, is the symbol of uncertainty and of things not being clear. Clow would have named them in such a way as to confuse people who might try to fight them or discover how they were created. And 'The Moon' is actually a card in the Western Tarot, like I said. 'Kerberos' is not. And we know how Clow was with cards...he probably knew the Tarot and that was where he got the idea for the Clow cards."   
"So that's where we need to look." Tomoyo said before neatly cutting a piece from her slice of the pizza.   
They ate quickly. When they finished, Tomoyo sighed and looked at her watch. "I wish I could help you more, Sakura-chan. My mother wanted me to be back tonight, so she could talk to me after she gets back from dinner with your father, and she'll probably be home soon. Call me when you get home, OK?" Tomoyo said, taking Sakura's hand.   
Sakura nodded, feeling almost insanely elated that they had something--some direction to go in. "See you tomorrow, Tomoyo-chan. And you've helped more than you could ever know. Thank you so much. Thank you."   
Tomoyo's face lit up, and she gathered her jacket to leave. 

*** 

The evening was becoming chilly. "Isn't it too early for autumn?" Touya said, shivering slightly. "There shouldn't be a chill this soon." Yuki moved a little closer to Touya.   
"It is a little early in the year, isn't it?"   
They walked in silence then, bodies very close in the early chill. Touya was still much taller than Yukito, even if he had lost weight in the recent years. _~Yeah, not being able to regulate yourself quite right will do that.~ _he thought bitterly for a moment, then let the thought go, instead watching the way the moonlight glinted off of Yukito's pale hair as he walked, turning it the same silver as the cold moon. Without thinking about it, he reached over and brushed Yuki's hair with his fingertips, feeling the fine, soft hairs for a bare moment. Almost embarrassed when he realized what he had done, Touya dropped his hand and mumbled a faint apology. Yukito smiled and simply reached over and took Touya's hand as they walked. He held it for only a moment before lifting Touya's larger hand to his lips for the briefest moment before letting it go.   
In the chill of the early fall, they moved a little closer, and Touya sighed. 

*** 

"How was the movie?" a voice called out from the kitchen.   
"Dad!" Touya said in surprise. "You're still here?"   
Fujitaka folded his newspaper and walked into the living room just as Yukito made his way into the kitchen. "Sonomi-kun got held up in a meeting, so our plans were delayed. I was actually about to leave. How was the movie?"   
"Pretty good." Touya said, shrugging. "Great special effects."   
"You do look more relaxed than you did before." Fujitaka said, lips curving up just slightly.   
"Nngh." Touya grunted, feeling the bridge of his nose turn the slightest bit pink.   
"To-ya, are you hungry?" Yuki called out from the kitchen.   
"I little. I'll be in there in a second." he yelled back, then turned back to his father. "Dad, please, don't let Tomoyo's mother kill you."   
Fujitaka chuckled. "I'll be fine. Like I said, your mother's coming with me to warn me. Besides, I've been able to handle Sonomi-kun fine for years."   
"NnnnnnnNNNnnnn."   
Fujitaka laughed as he slipped his shoes on, not even needing to see the look on his son's face. "Everything will be fine. The number of the restaurant is in the kitchen. Sakura-san has her cell phone, so if anything comes up, she can reach you."   
"You got your cell?" Fujitaka nodded. "And my pager, just in case the cell phone's turned off."   
"OK. Have fun. Don't get killed."   
"Ever the optimist, Touya-kun?"   
"Try 'realist'." Touya said dryly.   
Fujitaka laughed again. "I should be back in about two hours. Sakura said she'd be back in about an hour. You boys try not to bore yourselves silly by yourselves, OK?" Fujitaka said as he walked to the door. "Nadeshiko, are you coming? Ahh, OK. Let's go."   
"We'll be fine." Touya said, waving as his father--and he assumed his mother--headed out the door. The door closed behind his father, and Touya stared at it blinking for a moment.   
_ ~Sakura's gone...Dad's gone...so's Mom. It's just me...and Yukito...~   
_ A tiny, slightly evil smile appeared on Touya's face. "I don't think we'll be too bored by ourselves," he said, and headed to the kitchen. "Oi, Yuki..."

*** 

"We'll need to start research on Western magic. I've got a few books, and what I don't have, I can have sent to me." Li said as he and Sakura walked to his apartment.   
Sakura nodded. Just having a direction to go in had been an almost incredibly relief; for the first time, she felt like she could breathe again. Everything suddenly seemed bearable again, and she felt a giddy kind of hope that everything was beginning to work itself out.   
_ /~We can do this. Everything's going to work itself out. Everything's finally going to work out.~/ _  
"Sakura? Are you listening?"   
Sakura blinked. "Ah...um...sorry." she said, blushing. "I was just thinking that..." She took Li's hand. "I was just thinking how glad I am for you and Tomoyo-chan. If it wasn't for you two...I feel like I can do this now. I feel like everything's going to be OK now. I don't feel so alone."   
Li stopped walking and squeezed Sakura's hand. "That's because you're not." he said, then turned pink and dropped her hand. "Um...er...well...we should get to my place and start researching." he said, knowing how red his face was.   
Sakura grinned. "Right!" she said. They started walking again in silence, Sakura moving a little closer to Li without thinking about it when the wind chilled the air more than normal. Li's entire body stiffened and he made a sad attempt at words before giving up. Sakura chuckled to herself, remembering how he had been around Yukito.   
"We're--he--this--this is it," Li said, stopping, finally managing to make his tongue work the right way. "Come on; we don't have too much time before you have to get home and your brother comes after me to skin me alive," he finished, glaring slightly, the thought of Sakura's older brother doing wonders to clear out the weird, overwhelming feelings of wanting to touch Sakura that Li was having just then. They headed into the complex, and towards Li's apartment. Li pulled out his key and lifted it to the door, then stopped abruptly, staring at the door and frowning.   
"Sya-Syaoran?" Sakura said, suddenly drawing closer to him.   
Li stared at the door. He almost closed his eyes but stopped himself as he became aware of something around his home.   
_::Something's not right. I don't know what it is, but something is very not right here.:: _

***

They made it to their bedroom more out of Touya's feeling he didn't want to think about them doing anything in the same place as Sakura routinely was and his father had just been more than anything else. As it was, that almost wasn't enough of a deterrent. Yukito had jokingly called him a spoilsport, but headed upstairs with him quickly enough.   
And now Yuki was making that little *sound* of his...he ran his hand up Yuki's chest, against that warm skin...   
"Eh, ya makin' dinner 'r what?!!? I'm hongreeeee~eeeeee!"   
The voice registered, and Touya banged his head against the bed. "No...No. Don't even tell me...*Why* is it here? Why?!!?"   
There came a faint sound from the door; the sound of something small *kicking* it. "I'm hongreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~eeeeeee!" Kero yelled, his voice taking on the "feed me now before I turn full form and bust the door down" whine Touya was unfortunately very well acquainted with.   
"I'm going to step on it, and I'm going to enjoy it." Touya said darkly. "I will enjoy the little *crunch* sounds and the little *squish* sounds that come out when my foot lands on its head and grinds it into the floor. And then I will laugh."   
"To-ya, that's gross!" Yukito said, making a face while trying not to laugh.   
"It's also true."   
"You're horrible. How about I go get rid of him?"   
"Hmmrph. Ruining my fun again, Yuki."   
"Not for long." he said, and kissed Touya on the nose. Touya snorted and rolled over so Yuki could get out of the bed and go punt the little stuffed animal into next week (_~No, no that's what *you* would do. Yuki's going to *talk* to it.~_), then rolled over on his stomach, fighting the urge to bang his head against the pillow again when he heard the door shut as Yuki closed it behind him.   
_ ~And at the rate this is going,~ _he thought sourly, _~banging my head in the pillow is going to be as much action as this bed, or me, sees today._  
_ ~Arrrrrrgh.~ _

*** 

"You sense it too, don't you?"   
Sakura nodded. "Something's...I don't know, I'm just feeling sick, like..." She stopped, and reached for her necklace. She held it for a moment, then, "Release!"   
There was a bright flash; a glyph created long before she had been born. When the light faded, she held her wand tightly in one hand, the other instinctively over her purse, ready to release the Sakura cards at a moment's notice.   
"Someone's been here." Li said, wishing he had his sword. He closed his eyes for a moment, scanning the apartment before he went in; reaching out with magic to see if he could sense any presence.   
He opened his eyes. "They aren't here now. But keep the staff out."   
Sakura nodded.   
Li put his key into the lock and turned slowly before taking the doorknob in his hand. He turned it slowly, and they took two steps into the apartment before stopping short.   
"What on earth...?" Sakura began, gasping.   
The apartment had been destroyed. Looking around, Li couldn't even begin to calculate how much damage had been done; he felt as if it might be easier to try and find things that hadn't been destroyed. Everything that could be broken or shredded had been. Glass and wiring seemed to be covering everything. Even the walls had been vandalized. And his books...his books had been...   
_::I'm going to be the next head. I'm going to be the next head, and someone has...someone...to me...I think I'm going into shock.:: _  
"Syaoran...Syaoran, what does that mean?" Sakura said, tentatively tugging at his arm then pointing to the wall. "Those kanji aren't used like I'm used to them...I think I understand them, but..."   
He looked at the wall and paled. "It means...it... 'the cub will not become the pack leader if hunters catch him first." He swallowed thickly.   
"And...and that one?" she said, already knowing the answer, her voice very small.   
"'But if the cub is not a wolf but a dog, the pack will run him out.'"   
"I don't...what does that mean?"   
"It means," he said, feeling ready to pass out. "That I may not become the next head of the Li family." _::Because I may not live long enough to become the next head.::_ "Sakura...I think I need to sit down."   
She had no more warning that that before Li's legs gave out from under him. He sagged against Sakura, staring numbly at his home. "I can't believe..." he began. He took a deep breath. "I'm OK now, Sakura. You can let go."   
"Are you sure?" she said, frowning. Li nodded, and she tentatively relaxed her grip on his arm, not letting go of him until she could tell he could stand on his own. When she let go of him, Li walked over to his ruined desk. Something was not right about it. He frowned again, feeling vaguely ill the closer he got.   
He let his hand hover over the desk, above it, careful not to touch it. The feeling of nausea grew steadily as his hand moved until it reached a sharp spike, and he had to fight his instincts to back away, and to keep from throwing up.   
He began to chant softly under his breath.   
Li rarely used magic. He was good at it--although not as good as Sakura--and he found there was something comforting in doing things physically. Or perhaps that was simply what he had told himself. The words felt like they come from something that was not him, simply using his body--his throat, his vocal cords, his breath--to form the words and emanate from him. Magic wrapped around him like a warm caress; his hair lifted and blew, fine strands around his cheeks, as his chanted softly. The papers on the ruined desk began to rise, reshuffle and resettle themselves, and he felt so very warm...   
There. That was it. His eyes opened, and he whispered a single, soundless word.   
_::"Shaoshang.":: _  
A paper buried beneath all the others, meant not to be found, uncovered itself and burst into flame.   
The nausea passed, and there was only that warmth...that warmth surrounding him. Almost regretfully, he allowed the spell to dissipate. His eyes closed for a moment as his hair fell back into place, and that warm comfort fell away from him.   
Magic was a tool. Simply a tool. He reminded himself of that as he let it dissipate. He *had* to remind himself of that. As he had gotten older he had gotten more powerful, and had begun to realize that magic was a drug. It was as deadly and could be as much of an addiction. He recognized this, and he knew somehow that very few others did. It was why he had been chosen to be heir--and why that decision had not yet been revoked despite everything. Three things determined who would be the next head of the Li family. Power, intelligence, and direct bloodline. Raw power was rare. Intelligence about it even rarer.   
Bloodline was nothing; it was easy to simply...prune a withered branch from the family. It had been done before. And Li knew that if it was so wished, the same would be done to him. There was no more precarious existence than that of the heir to the Li family--no matter what side, be it the mafia or the magicians. The two sides were tied to each other, inextricably; one who did not fit in one would be quietly shifted to the other and some lived within both worlds, and loyalties were as twisted, tangled, and inextricable.   
When someone wanted the heir to either side to disappear...well. There were close ties. All the Lis were loyalty to the Li family. But *who* in the Li family they were loyal to was up for debate. This fact would not change.   
"Li, what did you just do? What was that?"   
"It was nothing, Sakura. Just a ...present...from a relative." He could have kicked himself now--he had simply destroyed it, instead of seeing who it had been from. It had been the safest course of action, but also the sloppiest. There were ways to discover who had made it and still contain the curse.   
_ ::But that was a very powerful curse. Someone wanted you to very seriously hurt. Someone was willing to risk magical return for that. Sometimes it's best not to mess with one like that, and just get rid of it:: _  
"There's something you're not telling me." Sakura said, her voice interrupting his thoughts. "What was that?"  
"A curse." he said, shrugging. No need to frighten Sakura more. "It was nothing I couldn't..."   
"A *curse*?!!?"   
"I need to do a search for more. Stay here, and *don't touch anything*."   
She frowned. "I'm not helpless--"   
"Stay. Here. Sakura." he said, glaring to make his point. "You're not helpless, but you've also never been exposed to the school of magic these curses were left by." His voice softened. "I don't want you to get hurt. Please." Before she could argue, he turned and left, gong through the entire apartment to cleanse it of the curses scattered throughout it. When he found his sword, he almost cried for relief--whoever had done this, they had at least known to leave the sword alone. His o-fudas likewise had not been touched--whoever had done this had known that trying to destroy them would have probably unleashed a curse on them or had repercussions that could only have been guessed at.   
_ ::Whoever it was, they know what they're doing. They also know my magic. Wait... They put a curse in with my fuda. Whoever it was, they're thorough. Very thorough. They aren't as good as I am, but they're good enough to cause problems.:: _  
He crushed the curse in his hands, whispering a spell that negated it and sent it up in flames. It let out a pained sound, and he looked up suddenly. A shikigami screamed in the window, then flew off.   
_::Shit.:: _  
He quickly took out a piece of paper, folding it. _::"Om...huó."::_ he whispered sharply in soundless words more felt than said, throwing the paper tiger into the air. It morphed instantly into a shikigami, flying around the room. _  
::"Zhuigan!"::_   
The shikigami let out a tiny roar, and flew out of the room, into the night, following the other shikigami. Li suspected it would be too late, but figured it was worth a shot. He sighed, standing up and brushing himself off. No point in getting upset now over having missed the intruder's shikigami when he had first entered the room. It would fly back to whoever had sent it, and with any luck, Li's shikigami would be able to relay back to him where it had gone.   
There was nothing more he could do now; he did a sweep of the apartment once more simply to reaffirm there was nothing there, and went back to the living room to check on Sakura.   
She was waiting in the middle of the room, her cheeks red and lips pursed, her staff returned back to a necklace and her hands on her hips.   
"What is it?"   
There was a very long silence, and Li could tell Sakura was trying to figure out the best way to say what was on her mind.   
"LI SYAORAN!" she finally yelled, hands on her hips. Sakura raised one hand and gestured at the destroyed apartment, then returned the hand to her hips and glared at him. "You are staying with me and my family and that is *final*!"   
"Sakura!"   
"Syaoran!"   
"But--!"   
"It's final!"   
She stomped the ground once to make her point.   
Li blinked. He opened his mouth. And found he had no words.   
They stared at each other for a few minutes. Li's shoulders finally sagged, and he sighed. His place was a mess. Realistically, with all the damage that had been done, he *couldn't* stay there. Windows were broken, many of his belongings had been smashed, everything electronic was broken. But still...   
But going would put her in danger--put her entire family in danger. As powerful as Sakura was...as powerful as she was, there was the other side of the Li family to consider as well.   
Magic rarely stopped bullets.   
_ ::So far, it's just been magic. I haven't seen any trace of the other branch. And there are wards...there are things I can do that can protect us even from the mafia Lis. If Sakura bolsters me with her magic, we should be all right--there are some wards even the most disbelieving of them won't cross. And a courtesy call to some of my relatives will either get me protected or dead. She's right...I can't stay here. And at this point...if they knew where I was living...they already know about her. I can't protect her here. I can't protect any of them here. Whoever did this didn't have the connections to get the other Lis involved. I can still get to them first.   
::I have to find the Seven Seals and quickly.:: _  
He sighed again. "Let me pack a bag."   
Sakura's shoulders slumped with relief. "Thank you." she said softly, and wrapped her arms around herself.

*** 

When forty minutes passed and Yukito *still* hadn't made it back upstairs, Touya finally rolled out of bed and pulled on a shirt, grumbling about punting stuffed animals into the stratosphere as he did so. He got downstairs to see Yukito still in the process of cooking, and he could swear that the annoying stuffed bear was smirking at him.  
Touya glared at Kero, and Kero's self-satisfied smirk widened.   
_~That little...it _*knows* _what we were...   
~I can't kill it...Sakura would never forgive me...can't...kill...~ _  
Yukito looked over his shoulder and his face brightened. "Great timing, To-ya! Go ahead and sit down; I've got dinner almost ready. I made too much, I think, but it should be all right."   
Touya blinked at him, then sat down. "I didn't know nuking a TV dinner for it would take so long."   
"Whaddaya mean, 'it'?!!?" Kero-chan growled.   
Touya leveled a hard stare at him, and Kero-chan looked away first.   
"*Like* I was saying. You didn't have to go to all this trouble..."   
"Oh, it was no trouble, To-ya." Yuki said, putting a plate on the table. "Kerberos-san, do you want me to carry this up to your room for you?" He looked over at Touya. "He said he'd be happy to eat in Sakura-chan's room and play video games while waiting for her to get back." Yukito gave Touya a meaningful look and Touya nodded once before tuning everything out but the food.   
"Thanks." Kero said, and shooting Touya a smug look that was completely wasted, since the boy was poking at an octopus puff with a pair of chopsticks, looking for a large piece.   
"Oh, no problem." Yukito said, carrying a large plate and heading towards the stairs, Kero following closely behind him. Yuki came down alone a moment or so later, and passed close by Touya's chair. Before Yukito could pass the chair, Touya snagged the boy in both arms.   
"OK, enough." Touya said, half-growling, and nuzzling Yukito's neck. "Enough of the 'making-Touya-crankier,' OK, Yuki?"   
"To-ya...I thought you didn't want to do anything in the ki--" was as far as Yukito got before Touya shut him up with a kiss.   
When he pulled away, Touya grinned, still keeping a good grip on Yuki's waist. "What was it were you going to say?"   
Yukito laughed and shifted himself so he was straddling Touya. "Oh, nothing important." he said simply, and leaned down to kiss Touya properly, his hands on Touya's shoulders. Touya's hands slipped under Yuki's shirt, to rest on the warm, paradoxically soft and hard skin on Yuki's waist, loving the simple feel of warm flesh and the way it felt under his fingers when Yuki breathed. Yuki let out a soft sigh in Touya's ear before beginning to press lips and teeth gently against Touya's neck. Touya let out a low moan, his hands quaking sharply when he felt Yukito's lips against his neck; Yukito's teeth gently teasing his flesh, just hard enough to walk the boundary between pain and pleasure. His hands went around Yuki, against the smaller man's back, rising slowly as his traced the feel of Yuki's bone and muscle, hard beneath skin softer than flower petals. He was gentle; he always was--Yuki was so small, and he always seemed so fragile, and his skin bruised so easily.   
Yukito was not gentle. He had never been. He would take Touya's body to a place between pleasure and pain; teeth and nails sharp, knowing that Touya would not break because of it.   
No gentleness now. No. Touya's hands dug into Yuki's back, stopping instinctively before what would have been the point of pain for Yuki; Yuki's nails dug into Touya's back, raising the pain, raising the pleasure; sharp red flashes. Touya hissed slightly at the first scratch, then kissed Yukito, trying to draw him closer; closer, needing to feel that soft heat and strength; needing the hands that would bruise and mark him, raising everything to a fever pitch in a world where he could feel nothing because it had long ago gone flat; forcing back bright sparks of color, forcing him to *feel*...   
The front door crashed open. "I'm ho-ome!"   
He had no idea how Yukito did it. Yuki went from straddling him and completely engrossed in what they were doing to standing by the doorway, smiling cheerfully and looking for all the world like he had been doing nothing but standing there the whole time in about 2.3 seconds.   
Touya, meanwhile, was not going to be standing up for a few minutes. He glowered and starting poking at the food on the table with chopsticks, resisting the urge to stab the food instead of picking it up. Yukito's soft voice carried over the strange flatness that the world had returned to.   
"Sakura-chan, welcome home. And...Li-kun! It's good to see you! ...Is that a suitcase?"   
Something in Touya's head almost exploded and he jumped to his feet, barreling at the door. "Hey, wait a minute...!" 

*** 

Fujitaka came home about five minutes later to find his home in barely-contained chaos. Sakura was standing with her hands clinched and yelling at Touya, Touya was pointing at a suitcase and yelling, Li Syaoran had apparently come back from Hong Kong and was standing in the living room looking as if he was trying to get a word in edgewise, and Yukito was smiling peacefully and setting out tea for everyone.   
"There is no way in hell that that little--!"   
"You think I wanna--!"   
"Welcome back, Fujitaka-san."   
"I said he is and that's f--!"   
"What is going on?"   
"It's bad enough the little brat is---!"   
"Stop calling him--!"   
"It's not like I want to stay he--!"   
"I'm not sure myself. Sakura came home with Li and said he was moving in. I'm afraid things became rather loud after that."   
"I see."   
"There is absolutely no way in *hell*--!"   
"Shut up, Tou--!"   
"Tea, Fujitaka-san?"   
"Yes, please." he said, sitting down and sighing. "How long has this been going on?"   
"Just because *you*--!"   
"Look, I can just stay at a --!"   
"Only a few minutes. Things should calm down once they realize you're--"   
"Dad!" both Sakura and Touya yelled at the same time. "Talk to your child!" they yelled, pointing at each other.   
Fujitaka smiled. "It's nice you both noticed me...now, care to tell me what's going on?" 

*** 

"Li-kun, I don't see how you can not stay here." Fujitaka said after everything had settled down and Sakura had a chance to tell them what had happened. "It's too dangerous for you to stay by yourself. I couldn't live with myself if I left you in danger."   
"But...but...there isn't room here. What about Tomoyo? I though she was going to be staying in the extra bedroom." Li said, scrabbling for something. Anything. He knew it was pointless. It was dangerous for him to be alone. Sakura was the Card Mistress, and no one with any sense was going to mess with her. Staying here was intelligent.   
But she was his girlfriend. It was just *weird*, and it seemed incredibly improper.   
Plus there was another reason, and it was currently sitting across from him. Part of him knew, on a very deep and certain level, that staying in the same house as Tsukishiro Yukito would be a Very Bad Idea. He had known it the second he had seen Yukito again. When he met Yukito three years ago, he had felt the jolt through his entire body.   
He'd felt a jolt again this time, only it had been substantially more localized.   
Sakura shook her head. "Tomoyo-chan can stay with me. We've had sleep-overs and stuff--I don't think she'll mind sharing a room with me."   
Li sighed. He knew--he'd thought--that part of his childhood attraction to Yukito had been that he had sensed magic from him. He had always felt moon-magic more strongly than he felt others; of course, he would be drawn to the moon guardian. When he had realized that, he'd even laughed a little at himself, convincing himself that his crush had been...well, cute, and he'd had a fondness for Yukito in his mind since then. He loved Sakura. He did. He had no doubts of that; he knew it every time he thought about her or looked at her. He loved her.   
But his eyes still followed Yukito. He knew it was just the call of the moon magic in the other boy. He was drawn to it. Attracted to it. As his own magic had grown, of course, his pull towards magic like his own would grow. Of course. And he only felt like this when he was near Yukito. Sakura, it was like this all the time. She was all he could think about sometimes. It was Sakura he loved.   
But Yukito he--   
He stopped the thought, not even wanting to know where it was going.   
He stopped the thought, but still watched Yukito. Watched the way the boy's hands held his tea. Watched the way part of his neck moved when he swallowed. Watched the way the collar of his clothing was a little large, exposing just the tiniest bit of Yukito's collarbone.   
He loved Sakura. He did not love Yukito. In fact, he was *happy* that Yukito was happy in his relationship, even if it *was* with Sakura's obnoxious older brother. He did not love Yukito. At all. He loved Sakura-chan, and he already knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.   
But Yukito he...   
This was an absolutely terrible idea.   
"So it's settled. You're staying here, Li-kun." Fujitaka said, nodding once.   
"But--!"   
Touya glared at him. "You know, I had at least credited you with three good brain cells, but it's looking like I might have to revise that number down. Where *else* are you going to go?"   
"I can stay at a hotel until I have a new place..."   
"And when your family finds that place, they'll trash it."   
"What about your place? They'll figure out I came here."   
Touya rolled his eyes. "Sakura's got more power in her little finger than you do in your whole body. Dad's the reincarnation of Clow Read. Yukito turns into a big, short-tempered grouch with wings. The stuffed animal can turn into a big lion thing. I don't think we've really got to be too concerned about *that*. Oi, Sakura, order your pet plushie to protect this place from his psycho family."   
Sakura frowned in thought. "Kero knows how the Li family works, too." She brightened. "Touya, that's a great idea!"   
"Provided it stays *awake* this time. Last time it had to guard something, it decided it was naptime." Touya said, glowering.   
He turned his glare on Li. "You're staying here. You're not staying by yourself when people are after you. Deal with it, brat. It's not like I want you here."   
Li had his pride; he came very close to telling Touya exactly he could do with himself when Yukito spoke.   
"It'll be wonderful having you here, Li-kun." Yukito said, smiling, eyes closing and eyelashes brushing his cheek; hair falling gently away from his face as he tilted his head to the side, accentuating the lines of his neck.   
"Thanks." he said weakly.   
Oh, yes. This was going to be the *_mother_* of all bad ideas. 

*** 

Sakura led Li to the spare bedroom, somewhere between happy that he was here and frightened because of why he was here.   
"Sakura?" Li asked when they were almost to his new room.   
"Hmm?" she said, looking over her shoulder.   
"Was it...weird...for you when Yukito moved in?" he said, his words spoken carefully.   
Sakura stopped walking for a minute. She frowned. "It was...no...I mean... well...yeah, kinda." She shrugged. "I was still kinda in love with him. I don't think Yukito-san knew that I really was in love with him. He knew...kinda...but when he talked to me about it, I was littler...I couldn't really differentiate between kinds of love. I can now, and looking back...oh, well." She laughed slightly. "But I never had a chance." She laughed again. "And anyway...by the time Yukito-san moved in, I had already realized I was in love with you. What I felt for Yukito-san just...faded.   
"And...well, nothing kills a crush like walking in on your crush kissing your older brother."   
Li made a choking sound.   
"It was my fault. I didn't knock." Sakura said, blushing.   
Li made another choking sound.   
"It's not like I actually saw anything!"   
He choked again.   
Sakura laughed. "Yukito started out in the guest bedroom. He just...moved one day. It was after we all got used to seeing him coming out of Touya's bedroom anyway in the mornings." Sakura blushed. "Now seeing him come out of Touya's bedroom in the morning for the first time when Yukito-san had his own bedroom down the hall, *that* was weird."   
She blushed again. "And...I'm pretty sure Dad was the one who suggested Yukito move into Touya's room. He realized there really was no point to Yukito taking up the guest room when he was never sleeping in there anyway." Her blush managed to deepen. "So that was a weird few days, too. But it all seems normal now."   
Li nodded. "OK." _::I can do this. Sakura said her crush went away. I'll be fine. Perfectly fine.:: _  
"Why did you ask?" Sakura said, and Li panicked instantly.   
"I...that is...um...I..." Sakura laughed.   
"You still kinda have a thing for him?"   
He blushed and nodded. "Yeah, kinda...um...but you know that I...that he doesn't...I mean...you're the one I...um..."   
She took his hand in hers. "I know."   
His shoulders slumped with relief. "Thank you."   
"It's all right. Now, let's get you settled in your new room."   
She looked at him and smiled, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the side, and he found himself noticing how incredibly pretty she was when she smiled. And how red her lips were naturally...and her hand was so *warm*...   
_ ::It's too late for me to take my chances with my family, isn't it?:: _

*** 

"Sakura! What's going on?" Kero asked when she came back to their room. Sakura startled for a moment, then her face shuttered itself, and Kero-chan knew she was still angry at him.   
"Syaoran is moving in. His...some of the Lis decided to break into his apartment and completely destroy it, and left curses all over it." she said, wrapping her arms around herself. "It was terrible."   
Kero shook his head. "Nice ta see th'Li family hasn't changed." he said disgustedly. "If ya knew some'a the things some of 'em did ta Clow..."   
Sakura's face tightened when he said Clow's name.   
"How is the kid?" Kero said, changing the subject away from Clow as quickly as possible.   
"He seems OK. I just showed him to his room. And...I wanted to ask if you would guard the house."   
"Eh?"   
"Syaoran said there was a good chance someone might come after him here. It was part of why he didn't want to move in, even though it would have been dangerous for him to be by himself. I want to keep everyone safe."   
Kero nodded. "Gotcha. Yeah, I c'n do that." he said, a glyph appeared under his tiny body, and he transformed. "Until this all settles down, I will guard this house."   
"Thank you." Sakura said, softening despite the leftovers of her hurt. No matter what...Kero had tried to look out for her. He had tried. Right? 

_ ~Sakura-chan...please think back to how Kero-chan has acted and everything you've been through with him. Yes, you hurt now, but you've got to remember how things have been and everything he's tried to do, when he was able. He's always been there for you as much as he could be. You've got to put your faith in that and what you feel, far more than anything else. This is eating you up inside because you're trying to fight your instincts. Maybe you shouldn't. You feel betrayed--but it's probably not his fault. Kero-chan loves you, Sakura-chan, and he'd do everything he was able to to help you.   
~You can trust him, Sakura-chan. He'll do the best thing for you as long as he's able to. The only time he didn't was when the best for you was against Clow's plan, and I don't think he had a choice. He loves you.~ _

_ ~If you order me to help you, Sakura, then I will. But if ya do, then ya gotta know things won't ever be the same between all of us. If you order me to, I will, because I won't have a choice. If our master orders us to do anything, we don't have a choice. If you want it to be like that, then just say the word.~ _

It hurt.   
"No prob." Kerberos said, nodding. "Gotta keep those psychos outta here. I can't have anything harming my Sakura!" 

_~If you order me to help you, Sakura, then I will. But if ya do, then ya gotta know things won't ever be the same between all of us.~ _

_ ~He loves you.~ _

God, it hurt. Kerberos began to pad his way out of her room when Sakura blushed and said, "Oh, and Touya said not to fall asleep this time."   
Kerberos looked over his shoulder and mock-glared. "Tell yer bro he's gotta good bite comin' soon."   
He lowered his eyes suddenly. "Sakura...I'm...I'm sorry 'bout...'bout ev'rythin'. I am. I wish...I'll do what I can f'r ya, Sakura...I will. I know ya still wanna get Yukito's mem'ries back, an' I jus' can't help ya wi'that...I know it's a bad idea, an' I wish ya'd just give that up...but what I can do...keepin' you 'n' your family safe...I will. I'll do whatever I have to to keep you safe from anythin' outsida all this. That's why I hope you listen ta me an' let this thing wi'Yukito's memories go. It's a bad idea, Sakura...an' I can't see any good comin' outta it."   
"Thank you for the warning." Sakura said softly, her stomach feeling like a cold pit. "And I know you mean it...but...but it's something I have to do."   
"I know...an' that's why I'm s'scared 'bout this." he said sadly, and left the room. 

*** 

Touya collapsed onto the bed as soon as he got into he and Yuki's room. "I don't even *believe*...argh." he said coherently, and buried his face in the pillow. He sat up and rubbed his forehead for a moment. "I just want to go to sleep and have this day end." he said, shaking his head tiredly. He stood up and quickly peeled off his jeans and shirt, snagging an old T-shirt to throw on with his boxers, then flopping face forward onto the pillow again. "Night, Yuki." he mumbled, covering himself completely in the sheets.   
Yukito blinked. "To-ya...?"   
He shifted the covers just enough so they weren't covering his eyes, and cracked one eye open to look over at Yuki. "Yeah?"   
Yukito blinked again. "I...I thought we were going to...?"   
"Yuki, my dad, my sister, the stuffed animal, the brat, and probably my mother, are all floating around this house. And all I want to do right now is go to sleep." he grumbled, then covered his head again in the covers and buried his face in his pillow.   
Yukito frowned. "But...To-ya..." he said, a strange pleading and confused note in his voice.   
He considered glaring balefully at Yuki, but that would have required coming out from under the covers. Touya didn't hear Yukito moving, but he really wasn't caring just then. He just wanted to go to sleep and have this interminable day *over* with. "Yuki, I've had it. To put it bluntly, today *sucked*, and all I want right now is...hey, what are you--!" he ended with a yelp when Yuki pulled the covers from over his head.   
"You're not the only one today has been difficult for, To-ya." Yukito said, his voice low and serious in Touya's ear.   
"Everyone is--"   
Yukito's next words were in that same voice as he had used before--low and rough; the hot puff of breath with each word strangely soft in his ear; lips grazing his ear as each word was formed. "So we'll be quiet."   
Touya rolled over onto his back and glared at Yukito. "No. I'm tired. All I want to do is go to sleep. You've been driving me absolutely insane all day. Yeah, OK, it wasn't your fault we kept getting interrupted, but you weren't helping. And right now, I'm not in the mood for anything but going to sleep."   
Yukito frowned slightly, and his eyes grew wide again. "But...I was OK all day only because I knew it'd eventually just be the two of us, Touya."   
Touya was losing, and he knew it. Yukito was pulling out the big guns--the big, dewy, anime eyes, and that sad little voice of his he got sometimes.   
Still, Touya was irritated enough about the way the day had gone to not make this easy for Yuki. "Yeah, well, that's swell. Good night." he grumbled, and rolled over, pulling the covers back over his head.   
"Touya!"   
There was a moment of absolutely silence.   
Yukito put his hand on Touya's sheet-covered shoulder. "To-ya...I am sorry today worked out like it did. I really didn't know it was going to."   
Touya let out an indeterminate sound, halfway between a grunt and a dismissal.   
"I am sorry. Will you let me make it up to you?"   
Touya sighed and peeked out from under the covers. "Yuki, I'm--mmmph!" he said, cut off abruptly by Yukito taking advantage of Touya's slight emergence from the sheets to press a gentle kiss against the other boy's mouth.   
And from there, he had no idea how it was Yuki went from sitting to laying across him in that same tiny time span of about 2.3 seconds. And he had no idea how *he* had gone from lying on his stomach to being on his back with Yuki laying on top of him. He certainly didn't remember moving.   
Yuki was gonna have to teach him that trick one day.   
Yuki pulled away slightly, breath slightly ragged. "To-ya, do you think it was *easy* acting like everything was fine? I told you, the only way I got through today was knowing we *would* get time alone." He lowered his head and pressed his lips against Touya's neck for a moment before speaking again. "And we are alone. Finally. Please?"   
Touya opened his mouth to protest. He didn't get a chance to speak before Yuki sat up, legs on either side of Touya's hips. "I promise I'll make all of today up to you, To-ya." he said, eyes wide and pleading. "*Please*?"   
"You're not going to let me go to sleep, are you?" Touya said, raising an eyebrow and waiting for the answer he already knew was coming; feeling the corners of his lips twitching up in a smile despite himself. He covered the smile with a put-upon sigh.   
"Not yet." the smaller boy said, slipping his hand under Touya's shirt and tracing small spiraling patterns on Touya's lower belly. "But eventually."   
Touya fingered the bottom of Yuki's shirt. "You owe me a *lot* for today, Yuki." he said, glaring slightly.   
Yukito gave him a happy smile that quickly metamorphosized into a wicked little smile that would shock everyone else who knew him if they ever saw it. "So let me start making it up to you." 

***

Li sighed, staring around the guest bedroom, his few salvageable possessions--little more than the clothes on his back, his schoolbooks, and a few of his more powerful magical possessions that no Li in their right mind would touch--laid out on the floor where he had dropped them when the events of the day had hit him like a ton of bricks, and therefore holding them any longer was a Herculean task he just was not capable of.   
He was tired, but he knew he couldn't go to sleep yet. There were things he had to do--wards he had to set, preparations he had to make. The mirrors he had to ward evil spirits had been broken; he debated whether or not he should try to repair them himself or let it wait and simply buy new ones. His decision was made when he thought of the look on Sakura's face when she had seen his house destroyed; the thought of her having that look on her face again hurt. He didn't want to leave the Kinomoto house unprotected for any length of time; even though magically repairing the mirrors would take just about everything out of him, it was better to just do it than run any more risks. He changed into his green ceremonial clothes then laid all of the warding mirrors out ritualistically, feeling sick at how they had been broken. He would have to make them even more powerful than they had been, along with repairing them. They had been only minor wards; he had never thought that someone would actually attack him.   
He sat in the center of the circle he had created with the broken mirrors; holding his sword straight up, eyes closed and face bowed with two fingers laid on his forehead facing outwards, resting against the sword he used to focus his magical energies.   
He felt the wind from the magic blowing through his hair as he chanted; blowing around him, lifting his sleeves. The air around sword began to crackle, and he forced the energies to his will, shaping reality around him. Lightning shot from the tip of the sword to one of the mirrors, then the light bounced to all of them, connecting to each other and the sword as Li began to repair the broken glass and infuse them with higher-level wards.   
Sweat began to run down his neck as he chanted, pushing himself. He felt for a moment like everything was going to spin wildly out of control and he wrestled with it, bending it again to his will, and when the last word of the chant was spoken, he drove the tip of his sword into the ground and the magics dissipated; the mirrors repaired and infused with a good deal more warding magic than they had been intended for.   
He rose to his feet slowly, leaning heavily on the sword still embedded in the floorboard. His breathing was ragged and harsh, sweat was running in his eyes. For a moment, he was disturbed by how tired this had made him and how hard of a time he had had; then he thought about it reasonably and realized that with the day he had had and with as exhausted as he was when he started, it had been something of a miracle that he had managed anything at all.   
When he caught his breath, he gathered the mirrors, placing them in the windows. He didn't know if he had enough for all of the windows in the Kinomoto house, but he'd place as many as he could. One is his window; one in all of the downstairs windows, one in each of the bedrooms until he ran out. If he ran out, he would put up warding spells until he had more of the tiny warding mirrors.   
He would do the downstairs first, then the upstairs. Rubbing his face with one hand and feeling tireder than he had in a long time, Li left his room and headed down the stairs. he would just put the wards up, and then go to bed. Bed.   
"Kerberos?" he said, stopping in chock when he got down the stairs to find the Guardian of the Seal in full form, laying at the door. "Oh, you." he said, raising his head long enough to identify Li, then lying it back on his paws.   
"What are you doing down here?"   
Kerberos gave him a look. "Guardin' tha place, what's it look like?"   
"Oh."   
"What're *you* doin' down here?" He raised the mirrors. "Wards."   
"Good call." Kero said, yawning.   
"Asleep on the job again?"   
"Ya want me ta bite'cha 'gain? I guarantee it'll hurt more this time." Kero gave him a wicked grin. "But maybe if I do, ya c'n get Sakura ta kiss it'n'make it better."   
"Shut up." Li said, turning bright red. Kero laughed and Li ignored him, setting the wards in the windows. When he was done, he glared at Kero once more for good measure, then started up the stairs.   
"Wait, kid." Kerberos said, raising himself up.   
"Yeah?"   
Kero sighed. "Look...I need ya to do somethin' for me."   
"What?"   
"Talk ta Sakura. Tell 'er that tryin' ta get Yukito's mem'ries back is nuh'in' but a bad idea."   
"Why is it a bad idea?" Li said, leveling a harsh stare at the guardian.   
"It just *is*, a'iight? You *know* 'bout Clow Read. It just *ain't* a good idea ta mess with what he did f'r a reason. I don' want anyone gettin' hurt, is all. Please?"  
Li shook his head. "Maybe you should have thought of that one before you ever got Sakura and her family involved with the Cards, Kerberos." he said softly, and turned his back on the guardian..   
He heard Kerberos let out a tired sigh. "I deserve that."   
"Yeah, you do." Li said, never turning around. "Good night." he said, and went upstairs without another word. 

*** 

As soon as the door had closed behind Kerberos, Sakura's legs had seemed to almost give out from under her, and she barely managed to sit down before her knees completely buckled. All at once, almost like a freight train, all of the events of the last two days slammed into her.   
Yukito-san's memories. Touya-nii-chan's words. Kero-chan's betrayal. Syaoran's attack. It all was suddenly so overwhelming that she couldn't stand; couldn't think, couldn't do anything put sit weakly in her chair and shake. She had to find an order to her thoughts. She had to focus on just one thing and work her way through that. There was nothing she could do about what had happened to Li other than what she had done--he was living with them now, and Kerberos had promised he would protect all of them.   
Kerberos...tears grated at her eyes and she stopped thinking about him. She couldn't, not yet. It was too new, too fresh, too raw, and it would only be worse for her if the tried.   
That left Yukito-san's memories. 

_ ~We know how Clow was with cards...he probably knew the Tarot and that was where he got the idea for the Clow cards.~ _

Tarot cards. Cards for telling the future.   
Something Kero-chan said three years ago suddenly came back, and she sat blinking. 

_~We can do a simple divination with these. Let's ask the cards.~ _

She hadn't used the cards much for divination. Not because she hadn't wanted to but...there really hadn't been much reason to. After she'd captured all of the cards...well, it seemed rather petty to ask the Cards if she was going to pass her math test. And what other problems had she had?   
But they could be used for it. She had no idea what direction to take now--how to even begin to try to find a way to bring back Yukito-san's memories. Li's books had been destroyed. The only thing they had to go one were the cards.   
_ /~They helped me before...with the Mirror card...maybe they'll tell me something... anything...a direction to take.../ _  
Sakura pulled out the Sakura cards and stared at the deck. She closed her eyes then shuffled them slowly, concentrating on Yukito.   
Or trying to, rather. She kept thinking of Touya. 

_~Sakura's got more power in her little finger than you do in your whole body. Dad's the reincarnation of Clow Read. Yukito turns into a big, short-tempered grouch with wings. The stuffed animal can turn into a big lion thing.~_

_ /~But you can't do anything anymore, can you, Touya?   
/~And it's all my fault.~/ _  
She just kept seeing his face when he had come into her room the night before. The little frown before he had started to talk to her. It had...it had *hurt* him to have to come to her. She hadn't missed it--the look in his eyes of hating being so...powerless. He hid it so well most of the time--hid it so well that the few times it came out, it always felt like she was being slapped.   
It had been like a slap tonight when he was naming how powerful every one was.   
Everyone but him.   
Her hands tightened around the cards, almost bending them. She wanted to cry again, but she wouldn't. She just wouldn't. This was her fault. She had to solve it. She had to find a way to bring Yukito's memories back. And Touya's magic. There had to be a way to do both. There had to. And she would find it. No matter what, she would find it.   
Certainty filled her; she closed her eyes and shuffled the cards. She split the deck into four piles, then put them back into one, and began to spread the cards. 

*** 

He had saved three mirrors. That would ward Sakura's room, Fujitaka's room, and Touya and Yukito's room. He just had to place them, and then he could go to bed. He knew he should purify his magical items just to be on the safe side before he went to bed, but he knew if he tried, he wouldn't accomplish anything at all, and might actually do harm to them because he was too tired and tapped out. The wards would be enough for tonight; after he had everyone squared away, he'd go to bed, and tomorrow he'd get everything properly protected before he went to school.   
The first bedroom near the stairs was Touya's and Yukito's. He stood outside it for a minute, trying to gear himself up to knock on the door.   
_ ::This is gonna be so weird. This is gonna be *so* weird.:: _he thought to himself, but he fortified himself. Really, this was good. Crush killer. Or rather, weird girlfriend's-brother's-boyfriend-lust killer. Good thing. Seeing them sharing a room would be good for...   
_"Oh *god*...Yuki..." _  
And he stopped. Dead. His eyes grew huge, and he just stood there, completely unable to move. _::What the...oh my god. They're...they're...ohmigod.:: _  
He couldn't help but imagine it, when the muffled sounds coming from behind the door registered and the realization of what was happening finally clicked with his numbed brain. Images of Yukito and Sakura's older brother...Yukito so much smaller and paler, surely the one being taken; lips meeting, hands running over exposed flesh, mouths moving in moans...Yukito's pale hair spread out, head rolling back as Touya...   
_ ::Oh god. Oh god. I don't believe I'm standing here and listening to them...I don't believe I'm standing here and *imagining* them...I should not be here...this is *so* inappropriate...move your legs Xiao Lang; c'mon, you can do it, just make them move. Lift a foot. Move. Please? Please? This is wrong; I can't stand here and listen to--   
::--I didn't know Yukito could make *that* kind of sound...whoa...   
::ARRRRRRRRRGH! ::I cannot stay here. I cannot stay here. I cannot stay here. But...but I don't think I can move and oh my *god* that *sound* Yukito just made again ohhh...:: _  
It took Li a moment to realize he had moved a step closer to Touya and Yukito's door, and that his breathing had grown ragged. That realization quickly led to others, and he knew that staying where he was or going to any room but his own would be a Very Bad Idea.   
_ ::They can all go one night with wards. It'll be OK. After all, Kerberos is...   
::Oh my dear god, *that* was...::   
_ His brain completely on overload, Li turned on his heel and ran back to his room. 

*** 

Ten cards. She had always used ten in the spreads that Kero-chan had taught her. But tonight...she spread the cards out without thinking, simply putting them where it felt like it should go, feeling power radiating from herself and the cards as she did so. Instead of the layout Kero-chan had taught her, she ended up with three rows of three, with the three rows overlapping, and one card off to the side.   
She frowned. Kero-chan had begun teaching her a bit about spreads, and one thing he had told her was that three was a powerful number, and in spreads, three meant either past, present, and future, or it meant that what the cards were showing were strongly connected.   
Three. Past, present, future. Connection. She frowned. She hadn't done this without Kero-chan before. She thought about calling him, but stopped. 

_~I won't ask you for help. Just stay out of our way.~_

She had said that. She had. She would not ask him for help. She had said she wouldn't, and she held herself to that. She had meant it when she said she wouldn't ask him. She wouldn't shatter the uncertain, fragile peace that had begun to build itself between them. She would keep her word.   
Three rows of three, with one card off to the side. Past, present, future. When she had done spreads before with Kero, when three cards were in a row next to each other, they were related. So the three across the top must be one thing, the three in the middle another, and the three on the bottom a third.   
"Hoooeeee..." she said, fighting the urge to beat her head against the desk. "OK, think, Sakura! You can do this!"   
Past, present, future. Three next to each other related. So maybe...maybe the top three where the past, the middle the present, and the bottom the future? And that other card...she was certain it was what Kero had called a "drawing card'--a card that told you how everything was related, or what the danger of a situation was.   
She smiled. "I can do this." she said, nodding, hugging herself. "I can really do this." She closed her eyes, and spoke softly, magic filling her again as she did so. "_Cards made by the wizard Clow, commanded by the witch Sakura. Help me find a way to return my brother's powers and Yukito-san's memories_."   
The power spiked, then faded, and she flipped the cards, shocked at how her hands suddenly seemed so very weak and the cards seemed so very heavy. 

The Past. The Shadow, the Freeze, the Shield   
The Present. The Wood, the Maze, the Arrow   
The Future. The Dark, the Snow, the Return.   
The Drawing Card. The Dream. 

"OK...maybe I can't do this." she said, blinking. The cards seemed to lose focus and she blinked again, then yawned so hard her eyes began to water. Everything wavered again and she put her hand on the desk to help steady herself. She tried to wake herself up and focus on the cards, but she just couldn't get them to make any sense. Kero-chan had always helped her figure them out, and she'd never asked him to explain how all the cards worked when they were connected to each other--he just looked at them and told her what they meant. It always made more sense the more he did it, but...she'd never done it alone. Never. And she was so *tired*...   
"My head hurts." Sakura finally moaned. "I don't understand..." She stopped abruptly. She was tired. She was so tired. The cards were swimming in front of her and she could barely focus her eyes anymore. Her entire body was beginning to shut down to sleep, and she couldn't fight it; she didn't have the reserves left to even try--doing the magic for the spread had finally pushed her body over its limits.   
"I've got to go to sleep. I can't do this like I am now...I just can't. I'll figure it out in the morning." she mumbled, every word punctuated by yawns so large they made her jaw hurt, and she staggered over to her bed, asleep before she reach over to turn the light off.   
The cards she had dealt began to glow, rising into the air and swirling around her. They pulsed one final time, then joined the rest of the cards in the a single pile, while Sakura slept on. 

*** 

_"Oh, *god*...Yuki..." _  
Bruises would fade. Bites would heal. Soreness would pass. There was only this. There was only now. There was only this relentless propelling.   
There was only this.   
There was only here.   
There was only now.   
Yes.   
This.   
Here.   
Now.   
_ Now. _  
Inexorable, pounding, pulling, driving towards for a moment feeling; for a moment not existing in the body that had become a unsensing cage of only the basest sensations-- only touch, only taste, only sight, only hearing--for a moment, senses all but pushed to something almost like what they had been; pushed to a fevered pitch and into an unnamable something else.   
The sensations grew, feed and rounded, obscuring all but the sensation, driving, being pulled, being made.   
Yuki's voice; flowing, less than sentances but more than words, more than just sound, washing over him, running in his ears and over his entire body.   
_ "Yes, oh yes, Touya, now, please, oh please, don't make me beg, oh, *please* Touya, make me come oh please, like that yes yes oh like that, Touya *please* I need you, I do, I do...I can't wait, please let me *please* Touya, I need...Touya..." _  
Bright sparks of pain; fingernails on his back, drawing down. Bright sparks that pushed him forward, that made him aware of all his dulled senses again, making them acute again.   
_ "Mine...you're *mine*...To-ya...mine...won't let anything..." _  
Harsh, whispered words that cut off abruptly into a low moan. Words echoing in his mind, seeming more than just words. For a second, it was a shadow of another voice, of another being that was more forceful than Yuki; more possessive and more dangerous, who drowsed behind Yuki's face and form; a fleeting remembrance of always being able to see and feel it...for a moment, it was like it once was.   
But there was no more magic. It was gone. There was only this pain that in that brief moment there was a spark of...   
_ Something.   
...anything   
Yes.   
Now.   
*Yes.* _  
Overwhelming, drawing, pulling, propelling, all-encompasing; but in the end, after the explosions of body and muffled cries, everything faded again, and all that there was were his own muted senses; the only sounds those of the blood pounding in his ears and his breath and Yuki's. 

*** 

Yuki's eyes were glazed over; his entire body limp and his head on Touya's chest, unable and unwilling to move it. "That...make up for today?" Yukito asked, barely able to get the words out.   
Touya chuckled breathlessly, running numbed fingers through Yuki's hair. "Yeah, I think so." "Oh, good." Yuki said with a tiny smile.   
Touya snorted, then yawned. "Can I go to sleep now?" he said teasingly.   
One of Yuki's arms raised up lazily, wrapping around Touya. "I think I'm done with you for tonight. But tomorrow's a whole other story," Yukito said with a teasing smile of his own, turning his head just enough to lay a soft kiss on Touya's chest, one thumb lazily brushing against one of Touya's nipples, just enough to elicit a faint inhalation of breath from him. "I asked your father about his new schedule earlier...he's got morning classes tomorrow. We have afternoon classes. So...we'll have the house to ourselves."   
Touya let out another sleepy snort. "Yuki, you're incorrigible. Or maybe I should say 'insatiable'."   
"Mmm. Maybe. But I can't help it when I'm around you, To-ya. It's your fault."   
"Oh, really?" Touya said, raising an amused eyebrow. "And why is that?"   
"You make me want you all the time."   
"And how do I do that?"   
"By breathing." Yukito said, laughing softly for a moment and lightly rubbing the back of Touya's calf with his toe. "And by being mine."  
"Hmmph." Touya said, the sound amused. "So *that's* why you had to beg, eh?"   
"I wasn't begging."   
Touya let out a snerk. "Riiight." He got an evil little smile on his face. "_'I promise I'll make all of today up to you, To-ya. *Please*?'_" he said, imitating Yukito.   
"...OK, maybe I did beg a *little.*"   
"And you can do it more often. I liked seeing you beg."   
Yukito reached over, snagged a pillow, and hit Touya in the face with it. "Don't get used to it."   
"I wouldn't mind getting used to it."   
"Only on special occasions." Yukito said, laying his head back on Touya's chest. "We don't need you getting *too* vain."   
"I'm not vain. I'm just the shit."   
"...Where's that pillow again?"   
They fell into a contented silence, and, drowsing to the sound of Touya's breathing and the feel of Touya's chest rising up and down beneath his cheek, Yukito fell asleep. 

*** 

He dreamed:   
**_The sky was black. There was no light; no moon; only nothingness. Only nothingness, and only the tree.   
Sakura petals, pale pink, rained from the sky; all lit from within by a strange faint light that should not have been; pulsing as though to a heartbeat.   
Yukito wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. The sakura passed before him in the air and he turned to see the source of them.   
Eyes widening, he stumbled back, knowing where he was. Feeling where he was. He tried to back away, but could not, pulled forward instead as though by an unseen force, knowing that he had to go closer even though he wanted to run.   
He didn't know what this thing was. He only knew that it was not simply a tree. He only knew that the wind rustling through its limbs and petals sounded like tiny whispers of pain, each a different voice crying out the same thing on the edge of inability; words that he should have understood but instead seemed like a whispered sob in an unknown tongue.   
He felt something; he felt...   
"Touya? Touya, are you here? Touya!" His voice became shrill; he panicked. No. This thing...this thing had Touya; this thing had always wanted Touya and now it had him. He ran forward, feeling the tree hungering for Touya; feeling Touya within its branches, enveloped within it.   
He beat his hands against the tree, screaming. "Give him back! Please! Give him back!"   
The sakura blew around him; obscuring all. _**

*** 

She dreamed:   
_ The moon was high in the sky; the light from it cold and brittle. In front of her, in the darkness, bathed by the strange light of the pale moon, as something she remembered from nightmares. She had not dreamed of it in a long time, and had managed to forget it when she was awake, but in her dreams, it came--a tree blooming year-round, filling all and bathing all in shadows. But white sakura fell like snow from its limbs, and there was a child standing underneath it now, dressed in robes as white as the blossoms.   
He held up his hands and pulled down the moon from the sky. _

*** 

**_ The blood from his hands rained down within the petals; against the ground and pulled into the sakura already tinged the color of blood. And still he continued to beat his hands against the ancient bark; against the tree that had stolen from him the one thing he loved above all others.   
"Give him back!" he cried out, his voice hoarse. "He's mine! You can't have him!"   
In his mind, a whisper: the whisper of the sakura leaves in the wind; the whisper of the voices of those below; the whisper of the moon within.   
~He isn't yours. You can't have him. I found him first.~ _**

*** 

_ The moon was made of ice. Translucent ice that lost its glimmer when he pulled it for the sky. He held it tightly in his arms for a moment, round cheek pressed gently against its frozen surface. His pale, scarred hands spread wide, protective of it, his hair dark and black against its pale whiteness. Eyes closed, he whispered something she could not hear to it, and something seemed to glitter from the corner of his eyes. He stood embracing the fragile moon, then opened eyes of an almost impossibly green hue and handed the moon to her. Sakura reached out with both hands, afraid she would break the fragile thing the little boy had handled with such care.   
She touched it, and almost pulled her hands back when they went numb. Cold. It was so *cold*.   
"It's a seal," the little boy in white said, the wind blowing white sakura blossoms between them, his dark hair and vibrant eyes the only color; unnatural in the whiteness. "You have to break it."   
"But...I don't want to. I don't want it to break."   
"Then nothing will change. You have to break it."   
"But..."   
"If you don't want to, then stop." _

*** 

**_ The tree hungered. He felt its hunger; felt the ache almost as if it was his own, felt the desire. He felt it wrap around him; the petals somehow warm and comforting. They caressed his face; his hands; his body; all of him, welcoming him into it. He reached for it; reached into it. Touya. He could feel him within it, calling to him.   
His eyes closed. "If I came to you...he's there, and I'll be with him, right?"   
The petals blew against him again, beating with his heart, and he spread his arms. _**

*** 

_ She hesitated, not sure what the boy was talking about, or who he was. Snow began to fall from the sky as she held the moon of ice, and she blinked petals and snowflakes from her eyelashes.   
"If I break it, I can't unbreak it, can I?"   
He shook his head, black hair brushing his pale cheeks.   
"But this...it'll give Yukito-san his memories back, won't it?" she said, not knowing why she had thought that.   
The boy shook his head again. "No. But it'll be the first step. It will begin to take things back to how they were for those you wish it for the most."   
Sakura's resolve set. "Then I'll do it. I'll break all the seals!"   
"Wait! You have to know, if you break the seals...!"   
"I'm sorry!" Sakura yelled. "The wind! It's too loud! I can't hear you!"   
Sakura blossoms and icy snow swirled around them, obscuring everything in white, and when she could next see, the little boy was gone; the world a swirl of whiteness; of colorlessness; of nothingness. Only the tree.   
Only the moon. Only--   
"A seal...?" Sakura said, holding onto the translucent moon made of ice. "How do I *try* to break a seal?"   
Not quite knowing what else to do, she thought for a moment, then raised the small sphere of ice above her head. She paused for a moment, then let the translucent moon slip from her cold hands. _

*** 

**_ The ground beneath him began to shake; the roots of the trees were upheaved, wrapping around his legs, pulling him closer, closer; the ground becoming as nothing, crumbling, beneath him.   
The world beneath his feet began to fall. _**

*** 

Half the world away, Eriol Hiiragizawa whispered a single word as his glass slipped from his hands. 

*** 

_ The moon crashed against the frozen ground. _

*** 

The glass shattered on the ground in front of him. 

*** 

_ **The world exploded into sakura petals. **_

*** 

"*No...*" 

*** 

*Notes:   
The "Li" in Li Syaoran's name and the "Li" in the mafia family of the series Banana Fish (romanized as "Lee" in Pulp, BTW. And for any of you who read it, Yut-Lung's name isn't Yut-Lung. It's *Yue* Lung. See me twitch, especially since Li Yue Lung and Yue are *waaay* too similar) are written the same way, which is where this *cute* little wrinkle came from. Yeah, it's a common name, but *still*... Thanks, Sado (the Muse of Sadism). 


	4. Chapter 3 Wo de

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* * *

Chapter Three:   
Wo.de - I 

_Nemuri ga kureta yume wa omoide wo tsutsumu_ The dreams that sleep gave me envelope my memories 

-Glay, "Freeze My Love" 

* * *

  
The moon was full.   
Yukito slept, cradled in Touya's arms; Touya, awake and yet not knowing what had awakened him, stared at the ceiling. The light of the moon was on his face; gentles and delicate, and yet bright and undeniable. He thought for a moment that this was what had awakened him, but dismissed that thought before it was completely formed--whatever had woken him was something unnamed and intangible; something faint on the edge of audibility, like the sound of ice cracking.   
In the silence, in the stillness, he found himself uneasy without knowing why; only knowing--only feeling--that somehow, in some way, something was not right.

***

_Standing, smiling, in front of him. An uncaring smile, a smile that didn't care; frightening because of it. A raised eyebrow and then a raised hand, placed against his temple for the barest instant, horrifyingly gentle, before running through his hair, along the line of his skull, now grasping the back of his head in a way that was almost painful; pulling towards and tilting his head back in one movement; hands tangling his hair. He stared with wide eyes, flinching where he was touched while trying not to, trying to understand what had happened, what he had done; forcing himself not to try and back away.   
"You can not force me to do anything."   
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...but...please...I don't know what..."   
"That was a mistake."   
"No...no, why do...not like...I would...   
"I only...I only wanted...wanted to..."   
"To 'what'?"_

***

Touya frowned. Yukito had suddenly started shaking in his sleep; frowning and trying to pull back while mumbling unintelligibly. Touya reached down, running his fingers through Yukito's hair at the sleeping boy's temple.   
Yukito's eyes flew open and he unfurled into Yue, amber eyes turning blue, grey hair growing long and white, face changing into one of bloodless shock. 

_ "Ni shi wo.de" whispered softly.   
He shut his eyes, not sure how to answer; what to say to that truth which seemed so simple and yet was so complex.   
"Wo ai ni."   
"Bu.shi!" he spat out, shocked at the vehemence in it; at that reaction to words that he thought he wanted to hear. "Ni bu.ai wo! Ni...ni...bu.shi, bu.yao..."   
Lips twisted upwards.   
It was not a smile.   
"Ni ai wo. Wo yao ni. Hen hao, ma?"_

Yue looked at him with something akin to desperation on his face. _"Wei shem.me? Wo shi... Wei shem.me? Wei shem.me?"_   
Touya frowned. "Uhh...Yue...I don't speak Chinese... What are you saying? Oi...Yue? Yue? Are you OK? I don't understand what you're--Yue!" he let out suddenly, surprised, as he was flung against the bed, Yue heavy on him; Yue's fingers digging into his upper arms.   
_"Wo.de. Ni shi...wo shi...wo.de...ni.de..."_ Yue said, raising himself up slightly, breath heavy and ragged, as if it was being ripped out of him. "_Wei shem.me_?"   
Touya's heart sped up. Wrong. Something was _wrong_. Something was very, *very* wrong. _~What the *hell*?~_   
The look on Yue's face was beginning to frighten him. He had never in his life seen someone--someone who wasn't *dead*--with that look on their face. But dead people...he had seen that look, many times before, before the world went flat. Lost, wild-eyed; confused and angry...that feeling of being out of touch radiated off of Yue, the same as it had with the ghosts he used to see, all the more terrifying because it was on the face of someone so close, someone so tangible, and someone so powerful.  
This, Touya knew, was very much *not good*.   
"Yue..." he began, slowly and carefully, "Get off of me. Yue, get *off* o-"   
The words were abruptly cut off by Yue kissing him; pressing his mouth against Touya's with that same wild, confused desperation.   
Touya's eyes flew open; he hadn't seen that coming, or seen the amount of desperation and confusion behind it; the feeling of trying to make something make sense, anything. It was a confusion that transmitted itself in far more than the look that had been on Yue's face; it carried itself in Yue's lips, in the trembling hands that clutched at his shoulders, in the nails that dug into his flesh. Touya went slack, letting Yue's desperation wash over him, not reacting for a moment from shock of all of it, before he raised his arms to wrap around Yue; to be something that was solid and certain. He raised his arms, wrapping them tightly around Yue, feeling Yue's soft hair and trembling wings.  
Yue was *warm*. He didn't know why that surprised him as much as it did then; there was no reason to think that Yue would be cold, other than the fact that Yue seemed to always give off an impression of *cold*--of frozen trees in November, of snow falling softly on a moonlit winter night. It was, then, a surprise to discover how warm that Yue was--that his lips were warm, that skin was warm. And not only was his skin warm, it was soft--softer than the feathers of his wings, softer than the long white hair that covered both of them like snow.  
Yue was warm...but it was a false warmth; it was a warmth that took the heat of those around it and reflected it, like the moon and light.   
But that it was a reflected warmth did not change the fact that he was warm; he was warm, and it seemed to grow by degrees the longer that he was pressed against Touya, growing infinitely hotter to the touch as the moments, pressed mouth to mouth, passed.   
Yue seemed to glow over him, like the light of the moon; gathering and reflecting the light around him even as he seemed to glow from within. His wings filled the world; he seemed to grow both more solid and more ephemeral; a being that would be lit forever, yet if touched too soon, would fade away, broken. Yue became more real as everything around him seemed to fade--but it was a fragile solidity, masking the ephemeral; if something small changed, it would all reverse, and Yue would fade again into nothing.   
He was fading. 

Fading. 

...fading...   
"Yu--e...?" Touya whispered, breaking away, moving his hand listlessly to tangle in the entity's hair; then to touch the wins that filled all. Soft. It should have been so very soft. But why couldn't he feel--?   
_"Clow...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."_ Yue whispered in English, the words sliding over Touya. Touya grasped for them, but they slipped away before he could comprehend; snowflakes melting in his hands; sakura blowing in the wind.   
_"Forgive me..."_   
As hands traveled over him, Touya felt now as if he--not everything around him--was fading as Yue became more real, brighter than the moon; that Yue was taking his reality and making it his, and to stop this would be some great crime; a sin of unforgivable proportions, and thus must be allowed. This felt, even as part of him cried out in desperation.   
_~SHIT!~_ Touya thought, suddenly panicking as everything fell into place. _~My...he's taking...like before...but there's nothing left...shi--~_   
Fading again. Fading into nothing. So easy to...   
...fade. 

...to sleep...

...to...dream...   
_~No!~_   
He started struggling; hands digging into hair and pulling, desperate. The hands holding him down grew painful, cutting, and that helped; it was something real, something to focus on.   
Yue raised himself slightly, hair falling into Touya's face and to the side; a sheet of white.   
_"Wo shi ni.de, Clow...Ni shi..."_   
Clow. Clow. A slap. Like a slap. Like a  
"I'm not Cl--!"   
The words were cut off again. This time, Touya struggled against Yue without thinking, only knowing that this had gone on long enough and it was time to end it; only feeling that sting of that name.   
And so, stung, he struggled, even though part of him rebelled against the fight, calling out for that this peaceful fading and for Yue to become all that there was; whispering that it was better to fade, perhaps, than continue in the flat emptiness that the world had become; better to absorbed back into that warm glow of magic...   
_~But if that happens, Yuki will cry...and Sakura...and Dad. I can't...I said I would take of them. I promised...~_   
Yue let out a startled his, raising up, the corner of his lip bleeding when Touya bit it.   
"Let go of me." Touya whispered, no longer able to manage anything louder. He was struggling but weakly; it was becoming easier not to fight; to give in to the waves rolling over him making the world unfocused and the cool hands like moonlight. "Please...please, no, Yu...Yu...Yu--"   
"--e," Yue said, his lips against Touya's ear. "Yue...I'm Yue...And I know...I know I'm not the one you love...and you're not...I know I never was. I know I'm only the...the parasite that lives inside of him, that stole your...the parasite that...that can not...Clow...I'm sorry, I'm sorry I drove you to...It was all my fault..."   
Yue's voice cracked and he fell away, fingers digging as claws into the pale flesh at his crown. The magic fell away; shaking, he collapsed.

* * *

~ni.de i


	5. Chapter 3 ni de

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_~ni.de - i_

* * *

It took Touya a while to realize what had just happened. He still felt disoriented; out-of-sorts and weak, but the disorientation at least was fading as the world once again began to take on a feeling of solidity and of...and of something intangible and ineffable and yet quantifiable in a way that was beyond words, that had seemed to vanish when Yue attacked him.   
And it was slowly beginning to sink in that that was what had happened; that Yue had attacked him. But before that had a chance to begin to make an impact at all, he saw Yue as he was now--eyes wide and unseeing, hands digging into his hair, that discomforting look of confusion back on his face, looking almost as if he was trying to tear his own head apart.  
"Yue...Oi...oi, Yue...you OK?" Touya said, sitting up and grabbing Yue's shoulder.   
No answer. Yue only dug his hands tighter against his head, making strange, thin noises in the back of his throat.   
"Yue, stop it! You're gonna hurt--!" Touya began, pulling Yue's wrists. The second his hands closed around Yue's strangely delicate wrists, the being stilled--*froze*--and his entire body stiffened.   
"Go ahead." he said, looking up with Touya with eyes that had suddenly gone flat.  
Touya frowned. "Huh? Yue, *what* are you talking about?"   
Yue frowned, then shut his eyes, his entire body beginning to shake. "Just stop it, Clow! Just--just get it over with! Stop this!"   
Touya dropped Yue's wrists. "*What* are you talking about?! And I'm not Clow Read! What is going on?"   
"Just do it, Clow!"   
Touya grabbed Yue's shoulders, pulling Yue into a sitting position and then shaking him roughly. "Snap out of it!"   
Yue's hair flowed around them slowly, like feathers floating in the wind. Yue blinked at the harshness of both the movements jerking him and Touya's voice, then shook his head, frowning. Touya let go of his shoulders, still scowling.   
"You OK?" Touya finally said gruffly.   
Yue stared at him, as if seeing him for the first time. "To-Touya?"   
"Yeah?"   
Yue's eyes widened and he looked around, startled. "I...where? And why are you...?" he began, taking in Touya's disheveled and undressed state.   
Touya gave him a wry smile and gestured around the room. "Stop looking like you're expecting me to jump you or something. It's the middle of the night. You're in my bedroom. Yuki was asleep and I was almost asleep. He started shaking, I went to wake him up, and out you came. And you went *nuts*. You OK now? What the hell happened?" he asked, deciding by the look on Yue's face that now was not the time to tell Yue everything that had happened--Yue looked as though he was going into some kind of shock, if he wasn't there already. The last thing he needed to know was that he had attacked Touya with magic. He'd deal with that later, when things were saner. First he needed to get that god-awful look off of Yue's face, then to find out what had happened *without* sending Yue further off the deep end. Yue looked terrified as it was, and while that look of confused terror was bad, it was far better than the...the...the dead-person look he'd had earlier; that look Touya had only seen on the faces of ghosts.   
"I don't...everything's very..." Yue said disjointedly, rising to his feet shakily. "But I..."   
Touya stood up and put his hands on Yue's shoulders, pushing Yue gently back to a sitting position on the bed. "Sit. Breathe. Get yourself together, then tell me what happened.   
"And while you get it together, I'm going to get some pants." he said dryly.   
Yue watched Touya moving around the room, eyes wide. It wasn't until Touya was dressed that Yue spoke. "I...I don't think...I think I have...but...I wasn't aware of... So I don't know."   
"Uhh...Yue...you *do* know that that made no sense whatsoever, right?"   
Yue looked up at him, eyes wide; cracking glacial ice. "I...not making...?"   
"Fuck, you're more messed up than I thought." Touya muttered under his breath, sitting down on the bed heavily. "Calm down. Whatever happened, it's over. It's all right."   
"No," Yue said, surprising himself with the sharpness of it. "It's not all right. I don't know what's wrong...I don't know what's happening," he said, wrapping his arms around himself. "I don't know what's...why am I shaking like this?"   
"Yue?" Touya whispered, then tentatively reached out to Yue. "Are you...are you all right?"   
"No," Yue whispered, leaning into the tentatively offered embrace. When Yue responded--as skittishly and tentatively as the embrace had been offered--Touya wrapped his arms around Yue, feeling him tremble.   
When Touya's arms wrapped around him, Yue tensed for a moment then suddenly relaxed, his shoulders slumping as the tension in him faded, and he let his head rest against Touya's chest, letting out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. He closed his eyes and, for a moment, simply let himself be content, for a brief moment, with nothing more than existing as he was at this moment, within the safety of arms larger and stronger than his own. Embraced by a trace of--   
It could not last, he knew that it could not. He did not ask for it to; he did not ask for more than to feel Touya's arms, so much like Clow's, around him, even as he despaired that it would end.   
Yue's thoughts ran before him, uncertain and jagged; splintered and in shards. He didn't know what had happened and that frightened him. He tried to make sense of the uncertain images, tried to place the shards and fragments into an order, only to find that they *hurt* ; that touching them drew blood. He panicked; the arms around him that had seemed so comforting a moment before now became confining, a cage, imbued with something that had been--that was so much like--   
He felt his body tremor; he felt the strange, cold sweat he could not remember having felt before. He tried to pull himself away from what moments before had been so familiar and comforting but where now only familiar and terrifying; now he wanted to escape.   
Yue panicked, and with a strangled cry, he escaped back into Yukito.

* * *

End Part One


End file.
